Jules
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 Posted 16th January 2011 16:14 IP   
It is about 10 weeks since Mum died and I am really not sure what to think or feel.
I was ok over Christmas and just got on with stuff. People have made comments about how well I am doing etc.
These last few days things have changed, I keep dreaming about her, sometimes she is still alive and other times she is dead and I am crying. Anything will set me off, I was poorly on Friday and found myself sobbing and needing a cuddle from her so desperately.
Today I had to sew some badges on W's cub uniform, she always did this for me ( I am rubbish at sewing) She wouldn't even let me do it when her motor skills deteriorated...one of his badges is poignantly wonky. I found myself crying again as sewed on the damn badges!
This afternoon I started to feel cross and then tearful again, missing her so much. I thought I had got over the worst of it, but it now feels like it is just beginning.
When she died it was very traumatic and her final hours were not peaceful, I can't reconcile this in my head and the images frequently occur.
The need to offload has overtaken the need to internalise and just cope, but I am frightened to just let go....I did it once a few days after she died and nearly became unhinged.
I want her back so badly and feel acceptance is beyond me.
 I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Mark Mc
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Posted 16th January 2011 17:06 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
I want her back so badly and feel acceptance is beyond me.
|
Hi jules 
Never believe that grief and "getting over it" is the same thing. I'm sorry to say that you never "get over it", you just deal with losing and how you deal with losing a loved one is what life is all about. 
Once they have passedaway, we are left behind with all the memories, (some good, some bad), and we can make of them what we want.
Try to be happy and make your oh yer two son's happy as well .Though it is easy to say than get it done but we have to understand that if we keep on bearing this pain then we would be doing no-good to our own health.
Just remember that the person you love never goes away from your heart, he/she resides forever in some deep corner of your heart. When you could not get over the pain of losing a loved one then your heart suffers the most. If the heart is not well, imagine what would happen to the person residing in your heart! You have to get over the pain even if you don’t want to because you have no right to hurt people who love you. The sooner you understand this fact, the better it is.
Everyone is talking about the closing ceremony at the Olympics and what was their favourite bit.
I just spoke to Nick Griffin, his favourite bit is today when they all fcuk off back home.
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Mark Mc
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Posted 16th January 2011 17:21 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
This afternoon I started to feel cross and then tearful again, missing her so much. I thought I had got over the worst of it, but it now feels like it is just beginning.
When she died it was very traumatic and her final hours were not peaceful, I can't reconcile this in my head and the images frequently occur.
The need to offload has overtaken the need to internalise and just cope, but I am frightened to just let go....I did it once a few days after she died and nearly became unhinged.
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Jules,
Could i suggest that you say this to your GP, as in most places, they'll be able to reffer you onto a brievement couniller. Also, he'll/she'll will put you onto a short course of anti-deprssents, as your into the depressive phase of greiving.
Watch what you eat and drink before you retire into bed eg, caffine, tea and sugar etcetc. and also, keep an eye on your alcohol intake eg, has it increased?
Also have a couple of old photo's of both your mum and yourself together to look at, before you ready to go to bed, so that they're happy images in your head.
Also, notify the GP what happens, i.e. Do you kick and punch out, do you talk in your sleep. When you wake after these images of you mum departing enter into your head, are you sweating? Do you soak your pillow with sweat? etcetc
Jules, prolonged hallucinations of the deceased is classified as depression. You need to talk to your GP.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I've promised you".
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
(Edited by Mark Mc)
Everyone is talking about the closing ceremony at the Olympics and what was their favourite bit.
I just spoke to Nick Griffin, his favourite bit is today when they all fcuk off back home.
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Jules
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Posted 16th January 2011 19:50 IP
Quote:
Mark Mc wrote:
Hi jules
Never believe that grief and "getting over it" is the same thing. I'm sorry to say that you never "get over it", you just deal with losing and how you deal with losing a loved one is what life is all about. |
I totally agree with this, I guess I am not as far along in the process as I thought
Quote:
Once they have passedaway, we are left behind with all the memories, (some good, some bad), and we can make of them what we want.
Try to be happy and make your oh yer two son's happy as well .Though it is easy to say than get it done but we have to understand that if we keep on bearing this pain then we would be doing no-good to our own health. |
If they find me crying they cuddle me, it is healthy for them to know that it is ok to cry when you are sad.
Quote:
Just remember that the person you love never goes away from your heart, he/she resides forever in some deep corner of your heart. When you could not get over the pain of losing a loved one then your heart suffers the most. If the heart is not well, imagine what would happen to the person residing in your heart! You have to get over the pain even if you don’t want to because you have no right to hurt people who love you. The sooner you understand this fact, the better it is.
|
This bit mystifies me...am I now responsible for my Mum suffering more pain?
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Jules
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Posted 16th January 2011 19:53 IP
Quote:
Mark Mc wrote:
Jules,
Could i suggest that you say this to your GP, as in most places, they'll be able to reffer you onto a brievement couniller. Also, he'll/she'll will put you onto a short course of anti-deprssents, as your into the depressive phase of greiving.
Watch what you eat and drink before you retire into bed eg, caffine, tea and sugar etcetc. and also, keep an eye on your alcohol intake eg, has it increased?
Also have a couple of old photo's of both your mum and yourself together to look at, before you ready to go to bed, so that they're happy images in your head.
Also, notify the GP what happens, i.e. Do you kick and punch out, do you talk in your sleep. When you wake after these images of you mum departing enter into your head, are you sweating? Do you soak your pillow with sweat? etcetc
Jules, prolonged hallucinations of the deceased is classified as depression. You need to talk to your GP.
|
I do not soak my pillow with sweat (The very thought!)
I am not depressed, I am working and taking care of my family. I am functioning, I am just so very sad and confused. I do NOT need tablets, that is not always the answer!
I may need to talk to someone about the nature of Mum's departure but I am not going cuckoo!
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Jules
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Posted 16th January 2011 19:54 IP
I do appreciate your replies and thoughts though xxx
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Mark Mc
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Posted 16th January 2011 21:17 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
This bit mystifies me...am I now responsible for my Mum suffering more pain?
|
you read and taken it out of context, it was meant as in pain as in grieving.
Quote:
I am just so very sad and confused |
It's a psychological symptom that you're suffering.
Everyone is talking about the closing ceremony at the Olympics and what was their favourite bit.
I just spoke to Nick Griffin, his favourite bit is today when they all fcuk off back home.
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Jules
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Posted 16th January 2011 21:26 IP
Quote:
Mark Mc wrote:
It's a psychological symptom that you're suffering.
|
erm I just think they are emotions.
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Mark Mc
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Posted 16th January 2011 21:28 IP
you've read and taken it out of context, it was meant as in pain as in grieving.
It's a psychological symptom that you're suffering.
Quote:
I do NOT need tablets, that is not always the answer! |
Of course not, you need to chat to a brievement counciler to get it all off your chest.
Why?
Quote:
I may need to talk to someone about the nature of Mum's departure but I am not going cuckoo! |
Depression in brievement is natural, but it's an important thing to make self-assessments with regard's to our emotional health (Psychologically)
I wrote up the following....
Jules, prolonged hallucinations of the deceased is classified as depression. You need to talk to your GP.
Becouse talking to a profeesional, they'll talk it through with you and show you how to counter act it.
Everyone is talking about the closing ceremony at the Olympics and what was their favourite bit.
I just spoke to Nick Griffin, his favourite bit is today when they all fcuk off back home.
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Mark Mc
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Posted 16th January 2011 21:32 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
erm I just think they are emotions.
|
Yes, emotional and psychological pain
Everyone is talking about the closing ceremony at the Olympics and what was their favourite bit.
I just spoke to Nick Griffin, his favourite bit is today when they all fcuk off back home.
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Jules
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Posted 16th January 2011 21:34 IP
I know you are only trying to help Hugs, but I am a bit bamboozled by all your posts. Maybe I will read it all again tomorrow.
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Mark Mc
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Posted 16th January 2011 21:40 IP
My mother passed away, but she called me to the Hospital and turned her back on me on the night she passed away.
It took me a year or so to realise that she really did pass away.
I was suffering from mild PTSD, which led me to use drug's in social setting's and also became addicted in a certain way.
Becouse i didn't know how to unload emotional stuff
The soaked pillow will indded indicate that the person is suffering with PTSD, (or clinical depression) with regards to traumatic flashbacks etc, hence i asked you the Q to assertain what level are you on.
Everyone is talking about the closing ceremony at the Olympics and what was their favourite bit.
I just spoke to Nick Griffin, his favourite bit is today when they all fcuk off back home.
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Mark Mc
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Posted 16th January 2011 21:42 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
I know you are only trying to help Hugs, but I am a bit bamboozled by all your posts. Maybe I will read it all again tomorrow.
|
In the op, you wrote up
Quote:
Jules wrote....
The need to offload has overtaken the need to internalise and just cope, but I am frightened to just let go....
|
Quote:
Jules wrote:
It is about 10 weeks since Mum died and I am really not sure what to think or feel.
These last few days things have changed,
|
If someone say's that to me, it's an indication that the speaker should go to their GP.
(Even if it is just for a chat)
john,
(Edited by Mark Mc)
Everyone is talking about the closing ceremony at the Olympics and what was their favourite bit.
I just spoke to Nick Griffin, his favourite bit is today when they all fcuk off back home.
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Mark Mc
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Posted 16th January 2011 21:55 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
I do appreciate your replies and thoughts though xxx
|
Maaaaaaaaaaaw-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimg Jules
Now you've had time to sit and digest, could i have another post on your thought's with regard's to my posting's.
I used to suffer with have flashback's (with regards to the death of my mother) and i once kicked out at the wall, and cut my foot badly and nearly broke it.
Everyone is talking about the closing ceremony at the Olympics and what was their favourite bit.
I just spoke to Nick Griffin, his favourite bit is today when they all fcuk off back home.
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JustNat
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Posted 17th January 2011 11:34 IP
Hi Jules. 
10 weeks is not a long time at all, so don't be afraid to offload and show that the pain is still very raw. The more you try to keep it inside, the harder it will be to carry on.
How is it being back at work? Are they helping you out? Or is it business as usual?
Unlike huggy, I don't think that grief is always a psychological issue that you need help with. Grief is often a personal thing, and whilst some people may become depressed after a loss, all most people need is time. If you were to visit your GP, he may prescribe anti-depressants and IMHO that isn't what you would need. You are sad and lost and lonely and probably experiencing every emotion under the sun all at once, but like you've said you're not cuckoo!
A close friends mum recently died suddenly, aged 56. I didn't know her mum well, but I sobbed all the way home just thinking about the awful things my friend must be going through, and because I am terrified of losing my own mum.
Don't feel that you can't offload on here if it gets too much, Jules. 
http://www.doitforcharity.com/ngorman
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mrs miggins
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Posted 17th January 2011 13:33 IP
Hi Jules
I agree with Nat, 10 weeks is not long at all and coupled with the fact that you have had to get on with things perhaps it means you haven't had the chance to process/think about things before now.
I think (from what you've posted) that looking at the idea of bereavement counselling might help - I know a friend of mine found it very useful when a family member passed away.
But above all do what feels right for you.
Whatever fortune brings, don't be afraid of doing things
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southcoastpete
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Posted 17th January 2011 14:45 IP
Hi Jules,
I can only imagine how painfull it must be to lose a parent. It must take ages to get through it .Something I read once, was losing parent is the only time we actually become adults.
I guess being busy with Christmas occupied your mind, so you perhaps weren't aware so much of your feelings.
Of course, now we are into dull old January, your maybe feelings of grief have caught up with you again?
Just give yourself time I would say.
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Jules
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Posted 17th January 2011 16:14 IP
Quote:
JustNat wrote:
Hi Jules.
10 weeks is not a long time at all, so don't be afraid to offload and show that the pain is still very raw. The more you try to keep it inside, the harder it will be to carry on.
How is it being back at work? Are they helping you out? Or is it business as usual?
Unlike huggy, I don't think that grief is always a psychological issue that you need help with. Grief is often a personal thing, and whilst some people may become depressed after a loss, all most people need is time. If you were to visit your GP, he may prescribe anti-depressants and IMHO that isn't what you would need. You are sad and lost and lonely and probably experiencing every emotion under the sun all at once, but like you've said you're not cuckoo!
A close friends mum recently died suddenly, aged 56. I didn't know her mum well, but I sobbed all the way home just thinking about the awful things my friend must be going through, and because I am terrified of losing my own mum.
Don't feel that you can't offload on here if it gets too much, Jules.
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Thanks Nat, I went back to work the day after Mum's funeral having had just over 2 weeks off, the teacher I work with was off sick from the day of my return so I taught the class for 3 days, it was the best possible thing.
J the woman I work with has been brilliant and was wonderful on Friday when I fell apart mentally and physically, so yes work are being supportive.
I agree I don't think I need anti d's but I do think I need to talk about her final days with someone medically trained.
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Jules
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Posted 17th January 2011 16:15 IP
Quote:
mrs miggins wrote:
Hi Jules
I agree with Nat, 10 weeks is not long at all and coupled with the fact that you have had to get on with things perhaps it means you haven't had the chance to process/think about things before now.
I think (from what you've posted) that looking at the idea of bereavement counselling might help - I know a friend of mine found it very useful when a family member passed away.
But above all do what feels right for you.
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Thank you migs 
I had a letter from the hospice this week offering support so I may go down that avenue as long as it fits in with my mad schedule!
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Jules
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Posted 17th January 2011 16:16 IP
Quote:
southcoastpete wrote:
Hi Jules,
I can only imagine how painfull it must be to lose a parent. It must take ages to get through it .Something I read once, was losing parent is the only time we actually become adults.
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I couldn't agree more, I feel a bit lost and now my poor sister is going through yet more trauma, I am trying to look out for her too.
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Jules
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Posted 17th January 2011 16:17 IP
However on a lighter note, I am having a good day today....
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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shiny
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Posted 17th January 2011 16:30 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
However on a lighter note, I am having a good day today....
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Glad you are having a better day
and that you'll be looking into talking to someone with training in dealing with bereavement!
You can see it, but not from here!
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Jules
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Posted 17th January 2011 16:36 IP
Quote:
shiny wrote:
Glad you are having a better day
and that you'll be looking into talking to someone with training in dealing with bereavement!
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thanks Shiny
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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JustNat
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Posted 17th January 2011 16:39 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
Thanks Nat, I went back to work the day after Mum's funeral having had just over 2 weeks off, the teacher I work with was off sick from the day of my return so I taught the class for 3 days, it was the best possible thing.
J the woman I work with has been brilliant and was wonderful on Friday when I fell apart mentally and physically, so yes work are being supportive.
I agree I don't think I need anti d's but I do think I need to talk about her final days with someone medically trained.
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If that's what you need to do, then you should get in touch with someone. It's easy to go off the rails in these situations so the more you do now to help you cope, the easier it will become in the long run.
http://www.doitforcharity.com/ngorman
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Ash II
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Posted 18th January 2011 07:08 IP
Jules, it's only been ten weeks. This can and will take time, don't be so hard on yourself.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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Jules
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Posted 18th January 2011 07:17 IP
Quote:
Ash II wrote:
Jules, it's only been ten weeks. This can and will take time, don't be so hard on yourself.
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I know, it's just I thought I was doing so well and then went backwards.
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Ash II
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Posted 18th January 2011 07:19 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
I know, it's just I thought I was doing so well and then went backwards.
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All part of the process, don't be 'ard on yourself.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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Jules
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Posted 18th January 2011 07:20 IP
Quote:
Ash II wrote:
All part of the process, don't be 'ard on yourself.
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Yes maam
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Flange
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Posted 18th January 2011 10:05 IP
Quote:
Jules wrote:
I know, it's just I thought I was doing so well and then went backwards.
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That'll happen time and time again.
Never mind good and bad days, you might have good and bad minutes!
For once, I totally understand LHH's posts (someone shoot me!). Please try and have regular appointments with your GP too, as well as arranging a counsellor.
Thoughts become things, so choose the good ones.
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Posted 18th January 2011 16:37 IP
Quote:
Flange wrote:
That'll happen time and time again.
Never mind good and bad days, you might have good and bad minutes!
For once, I totally understand LHH's posts (someone shoot me!). Please try and have regular appointments with your GP too, as well as arranging a counsellor.
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will do
I enjoy a glass of red wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my exceptionally witty comebacks, sarcasm, and flawless dance moves.
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Health and Lifestyle Forum :: Family and Relationships :: Family Matters :: Grief and all that......
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