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Kyoshi
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Posts: 1272
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Registered: Nov 2005
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 Posted July 22nd, 2006 11:05 PM IP   
I got this email, and I thought it was funny, maybe yall will, here ya go
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris,
you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only
with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man
ate a freaking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the
book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
12. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie the fuck down.
14. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat
a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
15. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It
failed miserably.
16. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern
Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision,
beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
17. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're
all poisonous.
18. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til."
After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
19. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
20. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only
a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to
pay taxes, ever.
21. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
22. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with
eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
23. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
24. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.
25. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes hitting on his waitress.
26. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.
27. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
28. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the
butter comes straight out.
29. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to
Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
30. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called
Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
31. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
32. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
33. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will mess you up.
34. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on
games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
35. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On
July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere,
streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
36. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
37. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.
38. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.
39. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet
tall and had learned karate.
40. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
41. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able
to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck
Norris's warm-up exercises.
42. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned
that wine into beer.
43. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell
"What The Hell was That?"
44. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
45. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
46. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to
kill you, including the room itself.
47. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
48. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead
requests a hand gun and a bucket.
49. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed
on.
50. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?"
contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
51. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard,
which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged
by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him
written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious
roundhouse-kick related injuries.
52. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to
different shades of black and blue.
53. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was
10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
54. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of
execution in 16 states.
55. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets
Chuck Norris.
56. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is
roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
57. Chuck Norris house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
58. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will
be because he has run out of women.
59. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out
of fear.
60. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size
than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
61. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
62. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of
Australia for 44 minutes.
63. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
64. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been
there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
65. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there
is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
66. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
67. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
68. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
69. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
70. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his
lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
71. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go
around.
72. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that
can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
73. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris,
each testicle is larger than the other one.
74. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
75. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a
1600.
76. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of
visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
77. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse
kick to the face.
78. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World
Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy
card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
79. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws
down!
80. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked
that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the
universe.
81. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his
own rage.
82. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year
1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
83. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
84. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed,
as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
85. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate
zero results. It just doesn't happen.
86. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
87. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when
he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
88. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other
nine faint.
89. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island
with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to
the island to retrieve the footage.
90. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
91. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real
life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and
kill you.
92. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets
in his way.
93. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris
Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
94. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in
Oklahoma.
95. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He
walks through them.
96. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him
blink.
97. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon
reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so
he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
98. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
99. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
100. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate
tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant
instantly.
101. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
102. Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news.
Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of
Pain.
103. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
the Earth down.
104. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse,
and football-- in that order.
105. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always
makes it to Oregon before you.
106. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
107. When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
108. Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from
Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
109. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
110. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
111. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the
dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
112. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough
to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
113. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs,
bedframes, and sidewalks.
114. Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in
RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
115. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their
entire existence from the space-time continuum.
116. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is
a dish best served cold.
117. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
118. Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the
2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because
when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck
Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
119. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead
of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Saurons
ass halfway through the first chapter.
120. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that
gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef
jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
121. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight
himself, he'd win. Period.
122. Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he
calls everything around you.
123. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die
quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a
pedestrian.
124. Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called
Chucktanium.
125. The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris
decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of
Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of
his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after
Chuck Norris.
126. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried
himself to sleep.
127. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
128. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of
sheer terror.
129. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he
turned the sun up.
130. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1:Heart disease
2:Chuck Norris
3:Cancer
131. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
132. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes.
No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
133. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask
permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is
because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since
1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
134. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow
up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
135. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in
his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
136. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No
one knows because dead men tell no tales.
137. As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in
the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami
Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
138. When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also
known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
139. Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while hes
roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
140. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a
body bag.
141. Theres an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just
kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
142. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
143. Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation
Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake
venom. HE injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
144. In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King
Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
145. Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
146. Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE
Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks
into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
147. For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his
shirt, directly into his chest.
148. In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special
effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
149. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a
roundhouse kick.
150. Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before
unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
151. Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching
Chuck, Hidden Norris"
152. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
153. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs
his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
154. Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
155. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His
mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
156. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually
roundhouse kick you yesterday.
157. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered
three men through the heart with it.
158. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the
American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
159. Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
160. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
161. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their
virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
162. Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's freaking head off.
163. They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer
always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
164. A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying
"Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag,
and the man in one deft move.
165. Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse
kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
166. Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This
means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb
turns on.
167. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
168. Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not
acting.
169. If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
170. Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They
are called astronauts.
171. Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal
weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
172. A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the
product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation,
the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
173. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
174. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It
wouldn't take shit from anybody.
175. Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a
barn. Every time he tries, the whole dang barn falls down.
176. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the
actors he fights.
177. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad,
he turns into Chuck Norris.
178. Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by
now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
179. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known
today as Giraffes.
180. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will
liquefy your kidneys.
181. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it
would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck
Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the
universe.
182. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One
Grand Canyon is enough.
183. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the
jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
184. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis
were killing people.
185. Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
186. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of
Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris has walked.
187. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
188. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and
every day he'd kick your ass.
189. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect
hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Too late.
190. Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris
doesn't run.
191. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
192. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there
is Chuck Norris.
193. Whats known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesnt use its
full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship,
Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
194. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial
paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
195. Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
196. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political
reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick
during TaeKwonDo practice.
197. Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make
his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
198. Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris
doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
199. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck
Norris, he finds you.
200. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
201. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane
and punched the ground.
202. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal
father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered
himself.
203. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only
recognizes the element of surprise.
204. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if
you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
205. Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
206. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
207. Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough
balls.
208. Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
209. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And
Chuck Norris."
210. Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse
Colombia's infrastructure.
211. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
212. Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas
Ranger, on a routine patrol.
213. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people
move.
214. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck
Norris roundhouse kick.
215. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray
Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
216. Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck
Norris' personal chef.
217. Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse
wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
218. If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris'
misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out
your pancreas.
219. Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us.
The only difference is, then he freaking kills people.
220. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
221. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was
off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the
backstroke across the Atlantic.
222. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck
Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one
would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
223. Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
224. Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed
and eaten.
225. Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has
two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
226. The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case,
forget it buddy!
227. For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is
where he stores his collection of human skulls.
228. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
229. Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was
roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through
the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
230. Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
231. Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just
roundhouses any cars that get too close.
232. How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie
pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
233. Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
234. The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars
in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might
be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
235. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck
Norris.
236. Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better
player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig
got off easy.
237. The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring
Chuck Norris.
238. Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris'
basement".
239. The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck
Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
240. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off
of Siberian Tigers.
241. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris,
dies by the roundhouse kick.
242. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in
a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
243. Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks
he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
244. Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye
protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
245. Chuck Norris can taste lies.
246. Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks
ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the
billions.
247. One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the
entire state of Ohio.
248. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
her into a glacier.
249. In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out
of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of
America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
250. Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
251. Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the
first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a
mustache. And a head.
252. 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most
problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
253. The only sure things are Death and Taxesand when Chuck Norris goes to work
for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
254. Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, but Death is too afraid to tell that Chuck
Norris.
255. Stacys Mom thought she had it going on until she met Chuck Norris
roundhouse kick to the grill.
256. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear
his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less
painful way to die.
257. To prove it isnt that big of a deal to beat cancer Chuck Norris smoked 12
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 types of cancers, he
cured himself by simple flexing for 10 minutes take that Lance Armstrong
258. If Chuck Norris ever got injured he would die. To bad its impossible to
hurt Chuck Norris.
259. When Chuck Norris poops the toilet flushes for him.
260. The idea for the helicopter came when Chuck Norris was roundhouse kicking
so many people he began to fly.
261. Chuck Norris invented my space to find people he hasent roundhouse kicked
in the face yet.
262. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris shoe. Chuck replied, "Dont you
know who I am? Im Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man
blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal
roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
263. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more
that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
264. When police arrive at a the scene of a murder and find Chuck Norris with
blood on his hands, they promptly apologize for wasting his time.
265. Before invading Iraq, the US government considered sending in Chuck Norris
solo, but they didnt want to get accused of committing crimes against humanity
266. Scientists studying what they believe to be Mozarts skull now think he was
killed by a blow to the head and further testing has proved it was by a
roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
267. Researchers recently identified Chuck Norris as the largest known prime
number, which is only divisible by Chuck Norris and 1.
268. By the time you finish reading this sentence, Chuck Norris will have killed
74 more people.
269. It is 97% likely that Chuck Norris is your real father.
270. If youre still alive, its because Chuck Norris hasnt gotten around to
killing you yet.
271. A penny saved is a penny you must give to Chuck Norris, or he will kill
you.
272. Never believe someone who says "now Ive seen everything," because they
havent seen a roundhouse to their face from Chuck Norris. If they had, they
would be crippled or dead.
273. Sharks dont live in the ocean because they breathe water. Sharks live in
the ocean because Chuck Norris doesnt.
274. The only person who has ever survied a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick is
Chuck Norris.
275. There are only two kinds of people in the world besides Chuck Norris:
people too afraid to fight him and mutilated dead people
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Tidus
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Posts: 698
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Registered: May 2006
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Posted July 24th, 2006 05:41 PM IP
hahahahaha, funny
     
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Alice
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Posts: 521
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Registered: Dec 2005
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Posted July 26th, 2006 02:05 AM IP
Hee~ What's awesome is that in my Japanese class, we had to make kamishibai in groups for our final project. One group's story was "Godzilla VS Chuck Norris." It was hillarious.
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Tidus
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Posts: 698
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Registered: May 2006
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Posted July 27th, 2006 05:00 PM IP
Hahahaha, Reminds me of The ultimate showdown. They didn't face off, but they were both in it.
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Colonelaflack
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Posts: 198
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Registered: Oct 2005
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Posted October 2nd, 2006 12:59 AM IP
I didn't see;
Chuck Norris lost his Virginity before his dad.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris doesn't wait for a bus, a bus waits for Chuck Norris.
n_n
-Andrew-
(Edited by Colonelaflack)
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Enshu RP Community :: Discussion Area :: Babble :: Chuck Norris |
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