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kwan_e
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 Posted June 18th, 2006 19:20 IP   
Reminded by one of JimBob's posts:
"My father taught me: when in Rome do as the Romans do. So when I went to Rome, I killed 200,000 Christians." -Lee Mack
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JimBob
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Posted June 18th, 2006 19:24 IP
Oh Kwan_e,
"My father taught me: when in Rome do as the Romans do. So when I went to Rome, I killed 200,000 Christians." -Lee Mack
Laughed for two minutes straight.
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kwan_e
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Posted June 18th, 2006 19:31 IP
One of Richard's post reminded me of another joke:
"I don't like porn. That is why I am on a mission. I'm going to download all the porn from the internet so no one can get them anymore." -Arj Barker
More from Lee Mack:
"I'm drinking and driving tonight. Do you know how many people died last year in Britain from automobile accidents? 35000. Do you know how many people in Britain died from alcohol abuse? 22000. Do you know how many people died as a result of drinking AND driving? 500. I'm not taking any bloody chances. Do you know how many people died due to drinking, driving and juggling? Two. I'm not saying it's entirely safe..."
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mystic light
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Posted June 18th, 2006 20:00 IP
Sports reporters ....
Heribert Fassbender:
"Right now it's 1:1.
But it could have been the other way round just as well!!"
Werner Hansch:
"No, dear friends, this is not a slow motion--he really is so slow!"
Paul Breitner:
"They shouldn't be thinking they are Brazilians, just because they come from there!"
Werner Hansch:
"Yes, statistics-but how many statistics are right?
Due to statistics every 4 th is a chinese, but here is not a single chinese playing!"
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JimBob
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Posted June 20th, 2006 16:34 IP
Sixth Grade science
A sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up, and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??"
Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind!
Second, you didn't read your homework!
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!
Life is 10% what you make it, and 90% how you take it.
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kwan_e
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Posts: 252
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Posted June 20th, 2006 16:50 IP
Dihydrogen Monoxide:
The dangers, uses and potential threats posed by this chemical, Dihydrogen Monoxide, are widespread, and some feel, terrifying. Here is just a small taste of what Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is:
* Some call Dihydrogen Monoxide the "Invisible Killer"
* Others think dihydrogen monoxide should be Banned
* Dihydrogen Monoxide is linked to gun violence
* Dihydrogen monoxide was found at every recent school shooting
* Athletes use DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE, or DHMO, to enhance performance
* Dihydrogen Monoxide has been found in our rivers, lakes, oceans and streams
* Dihydrogen Monoxide is a major component of acid rain
* Thousands die each year after inhaling dihydrogen monoxide
* Dihydrogen Monoxide can be deadly
* Find out the truth about Dihydrogen Monoxide
Be afraid, people. Be very afraid. Visit www.dhmo.org for a community information package.
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JimBob
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Posted June 21st, 2006 21:44 IP
One day Mercer thought Sara was getting hard of hearing. He called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and told him of a simple informal test that he could give her so that he (the doctor) would have an idea of the severity of her problem.
Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."
That evening, Sara was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mercer was in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
Mercer moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper ?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Damn it, Mercer, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
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JimBob
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Posted June 22nd, 2006 10:48 IP
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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mystic light
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Posted June 22nd, 2006 12:00 IP
Princess strolls through her garden and comes to the well.
A frog sits there and she says:
"Oh! you're the one who wants a kiss, huh?"
Frog: "No, that's my brother. I want a----"
Damn, I forgot what that one was. I blew it!
ML
(Edited by mystic light)
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JimBob
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Posted June 23rd, 2006 18:12 IP
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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JimBob
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Posted June 24th, 2006 13:25 IP
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time .but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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JimBob
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Posted June 25th, 2006 16:31 IP
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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mystic light
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Posted June 25th, 2006 16:41 IP
OH, JIM!!!!!
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JimBob
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Posted June 26th, 2006 12:42 IP
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
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mystic light
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Posted June 27th, 2006 22:12 IP
Study hours:
Studying starts most days at about 9 or 10.
Occasionally as early as 7,
but somedays as late as 12 or 1.
We break to party about 5.30 or 6
occasionally about 4 or 5, but sometimes as early as 11 or 12
Some days or afternoons
we don't study at all
and lately we've been partying
just about all the time
except when we're too hung over to party or study.
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JimBob
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Posted June 28th, 2006 10:27 IP
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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mystic light
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Posted June 28th, 2006 12:22 IP
Retirement in Phoenix, California, New York City, Florida
As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-)
2. You can open and drive your car for miles without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the EmpireStateBuilding.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circleto Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsinon a map.
4 You think Central Parkis "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
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JimBob
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Posted June 29th, 2006 11:10 IP
Roy the Rooster
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
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Aalar
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Posted June 30th, 2006 02:53 IP
Heathcliff: How far do I gotta run?
Hector: Oh, nothin' hard. Ten miles.
Heathcliff: TEN MILES?!
Hector: Don't worry, just run five miles and then come back. Ha ha ha.
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JimBob
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Posted June 30th, 2006 14:51 IP
A Mall Order
An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.
They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.
They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind him.
The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.
The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."
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mystic light
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Posted June 30th, 2006 14:54 IP
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JimBob
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Posted July 1st, 2006 10:29 IP
Who's the Boss?
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
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JimBob
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Posted July 2nd, 2006 12:00 IP
Billy Bob and LeRoy were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells LeRoy,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a bit different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti - and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again!"
LeRoy asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earline with me."
(Edited by JimBob)
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Persephone
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Posted August 1st, 2006 17:00 IP
To some of my favorite crack-pots....
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on
the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect
and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long
walk
from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing
home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and
miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to
the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes
water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers
on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted
flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while
we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to
decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there
would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws
we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and
rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are
and look for the good in them.
So, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember
to smell the flowers on your side of the path.
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
* Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light *
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A good example is the tallest kind of preaching.
African proverb |
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mystic light
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Posted August 1st, 2006 17:36 IP
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mystic light
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Posted August 1st, 2006 17:37 IP
Janice ...LOL....that pic was called "crack for cats!!!" LOL...
I read crack and that was all she wrote!
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Persephone
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Posted August 1st, 2006 18:39 IP
LOL......I've never seen a cat look quite like that before!
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A good example is the tallest kind of preaching.
African proverb |
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mystic light
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Posted August 3rd, 2006 19:16 IP
It's sooo cute , isn't it?
And the story about the crack pot was wonderful.
Truly wonderful!
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mystic light
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Posted August 18th, 2006 09:39 IP
COLIN:'You remind me of the sea.'
ANN:'Because I'm so wild, reckless and romantic?'
COLIN:'No, you make me sick.'
Think of a number between one and fifty. Double it, subtract sixtyone, add one subtract the number you started with, close your eyes...
Dark isn't it!
'How do you spell „Crocodile'?'
„K-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l.'
'The dictionary spells it „C-r-o-k-o-d-i-l-e'.'
'You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it.'
MAN:'A return ticket please.'
RAILWAY CLERK:'Where to?'
MAN:'Why back here of course.'
CUSTOMER:'I would like to try on that suit in the window, please'
ASSISTANT:'I'm sorry, sir, you have to try it on in the changing-rooms, like everybody else.'
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Posted August 18th, 2006 19:25 IP
Hey Saassssy Chick!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm laughing at your jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JAKE
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Lotus Buddhism Forum :: :: Humour :: Humor
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