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JimBob
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 Posted June 1st, 2006 19:53 IP   
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had the nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow's traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled
and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out,
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
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pinkbutterfly
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Posted June 1st, 2006 21:01 IP
hahahha....that's a scream!
Pinky
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mystic light
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Posted June 1st, 2006 21:40 IP
White house talks
George B.: Condi! Nice to see you ! what's happenin'?
Condoleeza R.:: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great! Lay it on me.
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B:: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza:Yes.
George: I mean the fella's name.
Condoleeza: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condoleeza: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza: Hu.
George: The China-man!
Condoleeza: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condoleeza: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader in China?
Condoleeza: Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat's in CHINA? I thought he was in the middle east!
Condoleeza: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza: Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza: No, Sir.
George: Then who is?
Condoleeza : Yes, Sir.
George: Yassir?
Condoleeza: No, Sir.
George: Look, Condi, I need to know the name of the new leader in China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condoleeza: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condoleeza: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I want a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza: Yes, Sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.!
Condoleeza: Kofi?
George: Milk. Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condoleeza: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condoleeza: Yes, Sir.
George: And stay out of the middle east! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza: Kofi.
George: Alright then. With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone)
Condoleeza: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg-rolls too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the middle-east.
(Edited by mystic light)
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apostrophes
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Posted June 2nd, 2006 00:19 IP
Did you hear that when the pope died he demanded to see God right away. They tried to stop him; they said he would not be able to handle it, but he said he was the pope and as close to God as any human can be. So they showed him where to go. He knocked on the door and entered.
Some minutes later he returned. He was clearly in shock. He sat down and asked for a glass of brandy.
"What happened?" asked another new arrival. "What's God like?"
The pope looked up with unbelieving eyes and said . . .
. . . She's BLACK!
Richard
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I dedicate this post to those words that were deleted in the making of it. |
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mystic light
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Posted June 2nd, 2006 00:39 IP
Hehe! Hmm......
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kwan_e
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Posted June 2nd, 2006 03:19 IP
People were dining in a Chinese restaurant, when all of a sudden, the lights blacked out. The owner of the restaurant went to the light switch and flicked it on and off to try to get it to work. But to no avail.
So he clapped his hands loudly to get everyone's attention. He asked all of the restaurant's patrons to hold hands. So everyone held someone else's hand and formed a long line of people. Then the restaurant owner held the hand of the person at his end of the line. He flicked the light switch again and the light turned on.
One of the patrons was curious and asked how the light turned on if it was burnt out, to which the restaurant owner replied:
"Many hands make light work"
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mystic light
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Posted June 2nd, 2006 09:39 IP
Phew!!! COOL story!!!...more, please!
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JimBob
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Posted June 3rd, 2006 01:09 IP
These warnings don't apply to you and me, (yeah right) but you may want to pass 'em on to other people.
Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: the comsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
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JimBob
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Posted June 4th, 2006 15:00 IP
Subject: New Shopping Center...
A Husband Shopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can choose a husband.
There are five floors.
There are rules, hard, fast rules!!! You're only allowed in once. You must proceed upward, one floor at a time, no returning except to exit the store. If after reading the product info, one decides to enter a floor, a selection must be made, all other options are off. The shopper cannot return to a previous floor. No exceptions!!! No whining!!!!
So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door says:
Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign.. "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign says:
Floor 2: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking. "Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.
"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, she goes up.
On the fourth floor the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think ... what must be awaiting me further up?" So up to the fifth floor she goes.
The sign on that door says:
Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that some women are impossible to please.
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JimBob
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Posted June 8th, 2006 21:45 IP
Okay, Time for another one. Makes one think a little bit.
"Tailgated"
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
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mystic light
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Posted June 8th, 2006 23:32 IP
Yes, Jim that is true. It makes one think a bit.
Thanks! Very good symbolism hidden in the Christian section...applies to so many other beliefs as well...
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kwan_e
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Posted June 9th, 2006 11:08 IP
This is my favourite entry from The Devil's Dictionary:
DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number — just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.
Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.
No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.
Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.
Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who kill
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness — that is low —
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."
Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
—G.J.
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kwan_e
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Posted June 9th, 2006 11:12 IP
And another few:
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.
GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain — the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A.
EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
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JimBob
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Posted June 9th, 2006 11:19 IP
Ha!!!
EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Now somebody just try to tell me there ain't cycles within life and the universe.
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River-Gazer
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Posted June 9th, 2006 11:40 IP
Goes to show once again that no matter how high you climb it's still the little guy that meets your corpse in the end.
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JimBob
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Posted June 9th, 2006 20:07 IP
The Burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus
is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the
light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot
confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar
relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of
people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus". The bird said!!
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mystic light
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Posted June 9th, 2006 20:30 IP
Ooouuu! Telling!!!
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kwan_e
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Posted June 10th, 2006 17:46 IP
TIM: I know this is your first burglary, so I'll run you through the details.
TIM: The first thing you need to remember is the number one rule.
LEE: "Don't".
TIM: "Don't" what?
LEE: Don't have a number one. Wait until afterwards and hold it.
TIM: No. Just do everything I do and keep really quiet.
LEE: What if you start shouting?
TIM: I won't shout.
LEE: What if you stand on a nail?
TIM: I'll be really careful!
TIM: Now the next thing you have to remember is fingerprints.
LEE: Yep, I brought them.
TIM: No, don't leave any! There's a computer in London with everybody's fingerprints on it.
LEE: That's alright, I haven't touched it.
TIM: It's in the computer's memory!
LEE: Do you want me to nick it?
TIM: Okay, once you get through the window, the alarm will go off. How do you reckon you'll disable it?
LEE: I'll keep guessing the number until the noisy bell stops ringing.
TIM: No, you can use this key that I duplicated from the bunch of keys that I found.
LEE: Why didn't you make a copy of the front door key so we don't have to climb through the window?
TIM: Don't ask ridiculous questions!
TIM: Now, if there's a dog, what do you do?
LEE: Nick it.
TIM: No! Use this: it's a tranquiliser.
LEE: Won't it make me drowsy?
TIM: It's for the dog!
TIM: Okay, when you get inside, how do you reckon you'll open the safe?
LEE: A really big hammer.
TIM: No, a combination!
LEE: Okay, a combination of kicking it and a really big hammer.
TIM: No, a combination number!
TIM: Now, I found out that the number is hidden behind a picture on a wall. So I'll find the picture, and you'll find?
LEE: The wall.
TIM: The safe!
TIM: Okay, let's go.
LEE: Hold on! I don't think I can do this! I'm too nervous!
TIM: You'll be fine!
LEE: No I won't! I think I've just broken the number one rule!
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mystic light
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Posted June 13th, 2006 08:26 IP
LOL, I liked that, one! Hope your exams are going well...!
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kwan_e
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Posted June 13th, 2006 09:03 IP
Actually, my first exam is going to be in a few hours time... (at night, wtf?!)
I did a little revision this morning, though/
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mystic light
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Posted June 13th, 2006 09:48 IP
Hello, friends!
...just read sth funny! (hope I'm not telling you old stories as well!) 
Chemistry class at Maynooth University in Kildare, Ireland.
The answer a professor got from one of his students was so "deep" he had to pass it to his colleages via internet:
Bonus-question:
"Is hell "exotherm" (gives off heat), or "endotherm"(absorbs heat)?
Most students assumed with the help of Boyles law that gas cools down while expanding. One student however came up with this answer:
"First we need to find out how the mass of hell changes over time.
To be able to do this we need to first find out how many souls venture into hell and out of it.
It is my opinion, that souls , once they've entered into hell, won't leave it again.
That's why no soul ever leaves hell again.
Concerning the question how many souls go to hell, the opinions of the religions existing today, can give us an answer.
Most religions assert that you go to hell when you're not one of them. :eek:
Since there is more than one religion and because you can't belong to more than one of them you can assume further that all souls go to hell.
Wíth birth- and deathrates of today we can further assume that the amount of souls will exponentially increase.
Let's now take a look at the size of hell.
According to Boyles law the size of hell must increase proportional to the arriving souls or else we have two options:
1.: In case hell expands slower than the number of souls arriving, both temperature and pressure inside of hell will increase so much that the whole hell falls apart.
2. In case the hell expands faster then the amount of new guests then temperature and pressure will fall causing the hell to freeze up.
Now which is it?
When we take into consideration Sandra's statement to me in our first year here, that it will be a cold day in hell before she'd go to bed with me as well as the fact that I slept with her last night only number 2 can be valid.
That's why I'm convinced that hell is endotherm and must be already frozen up.
My conclusion is, that hell can not accept any further souls and is therefore extinct....and so only heaven is still existing. This however, proves the existance of God, which explains why Sandra screamed: °Oh, my God!!!° the whole last evening."
This student was the only one who got an "A".
(Edited by mystic light)
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kwan_e
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Posted June 13th, 2006 14:23 IP
Sorry to have to tell you that I read that two years ago. It's still funny, but the surprise factor is gone.
Just finished my first exam.
And what do you know, I had to write two freakin' essays...
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JimBob
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Posted June 13th, 2006 14:36 IP
Hi Anna,
I can't make any comment lest I reveal myself. Pretty good logic I would say though.
Hi Kwan_e,
Well, I would think that the essays should have been pretty much of a snap for you. IMO you can write well.
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kwan_e
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Posted June 13th, 2006 14:44 IP
It would have been a snap if they were the only two questions in the 2 hour exams.  But they were essays on articles that I could not read properly (due to my reading problems).
They were worth only 20 marks out of 100, but I spent half the time on them when more should have been spent on the other 80 marks.
Well. 3 more exams to go. Then, I can get back to writing the thing for the thread that I promised.
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mystic light
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Posted June 13th, 2006 14:55 IP
Good luck, and I had a dim premonition you would know...pout, but one a these days I'm gonna get ya.
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JimBob
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Posted June 13th, 2006 15:03 IP
Yeah Kwan_e,
Best wishes on the rest of them. Do well.
I am looking forward to your words in that thread (you started). Should be very interesting, especially if others join in (because I think you and I will be too much in agreement).
Later!
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kwan_e
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Posted June 13th, 2006 15:10 IP
Well, in keeping with the thread topic, here are two college related jokes from Mitch Hedberg:
"I never went to college. But if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because a customer is always right. ... That joke was better than you acted!"
"When I do colleges [for standup gigs], I buy their shirts. These are quality shirts and they're brightly coloured. But I get embarassed when people mistake me as someone who went there.
'Hey, did you go to Washington U?'
'Yeah ... it was a Wednesday ...' "
Courtesy of Mitch Hedberg's ghost.
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kwan_e
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Posted June 13th, 2006 15:12 IP
Oh, and Jim? I think you jinxed it. Whenever someone has an opinion of me, for some reason, I just get myself into a situation that makes the other person wish that they did not have their opinion down in writing.
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JimBob
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Posted June 13th, 2006 15:24 IP
Hey Kwan_e,
No worry about that. I reserve the right to change my opinion.
Later!
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JimBob
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Posted June 13th, 2006 19:39 IP
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's
window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign,"
the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why
they're called stop signs." The man started to get
belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what the hell's the
difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to
start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to
stop or slow down."
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Lotus Buddhism Forum :: :: Humour :: Humor
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