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Methadone Anonymous Forums :: REGULAR FORUMS :: DETOX/TAPER :: Feeling like I can't do it....
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted October 2nd, 2010 12:20 PM   IP              I am having a really rough day. I just am doubting myself. "Can I really get off the last 10mils?" I have been doing great. Went down from 90mils. VERY SLOW. I just feel like now, at 10 mils, I have no energy, and am feeling depressed. I have been going down 1 mil a week. Went down to 10 mils on Tues. I am fine all day, it is the night that is rough. I take a sleeping pill, and normally wake up at about 6 to 7 AM tossing a turning. Bugs crawlin' on me. Rubbing my feet together trying to get some justice from this brutal feeling. I was sitting outside this morning, crying. Head in hands, thinking,, if it is like this already, how am I possibly going to jump off. How am I going to get to 2mils to beging with/ let alone jump off. I have a 1 yr old to look after. What the hell have I done to myself?!?
dal33 *MODERATOR* Detox/Taper Forum Posts: 939 Registered: Apr 2009  Posted October 2nd, 2010 03:11 PM   IP              Amber~~Hi & welcome as I've not "met" you yet! I am on my way out the door but wanted to tell you 1st that I hear this from virtually everyone on their last 10. But... I WILL be back to write more to you as I really want to "talk" to you! So, in the meantime, do NOT give up!! It MAY take a bit longer, but.......... I look forward to getting back t6o you! I just happened to check the site before I closed out the computer or turned it off I should say! LOL whatever!.............. take care c ya' soon! "Strange how people who suffer together have stronger commitments than peoplewho are most content" b. dylan
socrates *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 960 Registered: May 2007  Posted October 2nd, 2010 05:42 PM   IP              Hi Amber, Maybe you should consider going down 1 every other week. Sometimes when we are pushing so hard we forget to look back on how far we have come. Do not sacrifice quality for speed. Five weeks may seem like a long time but it's nothing in the total view of things. I first came here when I was struggling after taking my last dose. I now have three plus years. Lastly, it will take lots of strength to get where you want to go but know this... You have lots of support!!!! Regards, -s
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted October 2nd, 2010 07:31 PM   IP              dal, I am looking forward to "talking" to you! lol, and socrates, I am thinkin I am going to go down 1mil every two weeks, until I get to 5 mils, and maybe going down 1/2 a mil. I have just been an emotional wreck today, and needed to vent my frustrations about this.
socrates *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 960 Registered: May 2007  Posted October 2nd, 2010 10:19 PM   IP              It will take some time. And believe me, I was an asshole on roller-skates. I am amazed that I did not lose any of my friends through the whole ordeal. Slowly and surely you will smooth out and encounter great things. There is an old saying "this too will pass" and that applies to all things in life not just AA people. Regards, -s
dal33 *MODERATOR* Detox/Taper Forum Posts: 939 Registered: Apr 2009  Posted October 3rd, 2010 08:38 PM   IP              Hi again Amber! I would think that by now, I'd know better than to make a promisenlike, " I promise I'll be back @ such & such a time"................ So I hope you'll forgive me cuz I end up feeling very badly about not following thru! Soooooooo that's me & this isn't about me! I just hope that you will forgive me! I honestly will be back here on Mon when I get "back on track, so to speak! I've had a weird weekend; 2 friends got really sick & one needed to go to ER, on & on.... But, I had you in mind all weekend! Honest, I promise I will be here tomorrow! You can PM me if you want to & in fact I'll PM you now w/ some info! So check it & see what I wrote you! HANG IN!!! You will be OK!! "Strange how people who suffer together have stronger commitments than peoplewho are most content" b. dylan
PeaPicker Member Posts: 47 Registered: Jul 2010  Posted October 4th, 2010 10:51 AM   IP              Amber, I have hesitated to write anything because I am only in the process of tapering. So I don't know what it's like to be at the jumping off point or to be off MMT completely. But I kept being drawn to your thread wondering how you were doing and saying a prayer for you each time I came here. I finally decided to just go ahead and write and tell you that my heart goes out to you and that you really are not alone in this struggle. I hope you will keep posting here so that you can have a place to get your feelings out and so that you can continue to get support from others. Also, please know that you are giving something to people like me who will one day walk the path you are currently on. We can all learn something from each other. Socrates, mentioned the phrase "this too shall pass" and I can't tell you how much that phrase has helped me get thru the rough spots. I don't know what your view on prayer is, but it too has helped me immensely. I just get alot of strength and hope knowing that I'm not in this alone. I hope this finds you well and I wish you the very best.
dal33 *MODERATOR* Detox/Taper Forum Posts: 939 Registered: Apr 2009  Posted October 4th, 2010 02:43 PM   IP              I agree with "This too shall pass" or as an old friend of mine used to say, "It came to passs, not to stay". LOL He had a great sense of humor so when times were tough, it honestly did help! & BTW, peapicker; YOu were saying something about "just because you were doing a taper.........words to that effect, but so am I! We are all in this together, & so I am just glad you posted! It helped me reading your post, too! Amber, SOMEtimes, a person NEEDS to go up a mg or 2 to feel better & it will, I believe, really pay off in the long run. It just might give you a chance to stabilize & thus, make your "jumping off" point much more successful! We are all different, & yes, I'm gonna say it again, we are all different & our bodies are going to act/react differently. I think I told you earlier that I have a friend who's been wavering back & forth from 2&1/2mg to 5mg for a very long time, meaning about 8-10 mos. & that's his story. I believe he will be OK & that may not be until next semester when he graduates! He has gotten one "B" since we've known each other & that's been a while. We're friends thru the clinik. Well I'll be back later! Hopefully before too long! take care! "Strange how people who suffer together have stronger commitments than peoplewho are most content" b. dylan
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted October 5th, 2010 12:32 PM   IP              Hey guys!!! I am feelin' a bit better today. Still don't really see an end in sight.. but I am going to go very slow. I was at the clinic today to pick up my carries and was suppose to go down to 9mils. I wasn't suppose to see doc, but I waited, and changed my dose back up to 10. I don't feel like I am ready to dive into the single digits yet. AM hoping next week. Can you imagine, single digits. This makes me giddy. I am going to go a mil every 2 weeks and see how that goes. You know what I miss... sleep. I can only imagine how bad it is going to be when I get even lower concidering how little I sleep now. Last night I fell asleep finally at 1 am... was up again at 4, 5, and 6. all fidgety. Finally got up at 7. See- the lower I go, the less sleep I get. I am FINE during the day... I take my dose in the morning, it seems to hold great until the middle of the night..- sigh. This is going to be a long process (it has already been years)... but I am determined to do this. Thank you guys, I will keep you all posted as I go through this journey! xoxoxo AMBER
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted October 5th, 2010 12:35 PM   IP              Oh and Peapicker, I have a couple things I wanted to mention to you, I am just on my way out. I will reply soon!
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted October 6th, 2010 03:15 PM   IP              Peapicker, I just wanted to thank you for commenting, and praying for me. I felt a huge sence of stength today. I slept last night for the first time and weeks, and I am so happy I have your support. Wasn't sure if anyone was going to respond to me.
socrates *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 960 Registered: May 2007  Posted October 7th, 2010 12:58 AM   IP              We are always here Sometimes it is only a matter of getting off a response to your post; as simple the task may be we all tend to suffer in the busy digital world. Keep on keeping on!!! -s
MikeH544 Member Posts: 98 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted October 7th, 2010 09:50 AM   IP              Wish you the best amber... I am also praying for you now!! Godbless Mike (MethadoneBuddy) Godbless Mike (MethadoneBuddy) MethadoneBuddy@aol.com Mike Howard Pittsburgh Pa (Washington County) "A Woman is a woman but a good cigar is a smoke" Rodger Kipling
PeaPicker Member Posts: 47 Registered: Jul 2010  Posted October 8th, 2010 01:34 PM   IP              Amber, I am so glad to hear that you are doing just a bit better, and thank you for your kind words. I know how you feel about seeing a response of any kind to a post. I feel the exact same way. Whenever I come to the site, and see that someone has responded, I'm just giddy with excitement. It makes me feel a little dorky to be so excited, but damn it I just am. I just want to say upfront that I am a believer in 12 step programs just because they have helped me tremendously. I only say that because one of the things, and probably many of the things I wanted to share with you are a direct result of lessons I've learned from the program and the people in it. One of the things I wanted to share with you today, was the idea that we as addicts have a tendency to project into the future or wallow in the past and neither of these things help very much. When I first came to mtgs and heard their slogan of "One Day at a Time", I just thought how simplistic and corny can they be. As I stuck around though and started trying to learn how to live a life without drugs or alcohol, other than MMT, I saw how helpful it was to consciously try to stay in the moment and only concern myself with the current day's or sometimes even current moment's troubles and concerns. Whenever I started to think about never doing drugs again, it was just too mind boggling so I would tell myself that all I had to worry about was just getting through today clean and deal with tomorrow when it got here. In the very beginning, there were times when I would have to tell myself that all I had to do was to stay clean for the next hour and give myself permission to rethink it when that hour was up. Without fail, when the next hour rolled around I had the strength to get through another hour and so on and so on. Again, I know how simplistic this sounds but I just had to keep reminding myself that my ways of dealing with trouble had proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to be ineffective. So what was the harm in trying to do things a little differently. Especially when the advice was coming from people who had actually used the advice and had what I wanted which was freedom from addiction. The reason I'm saying this is because I noticed that, naturally, one of your biggest worries is what will it be like when...I feel the same way any time I think about what it will be like when I have to live without the help of any methadone at all in my system. But the truth is that I have no idea what it will be like and any thing I imagine is just that, imagination, not fact. Not to mention that I have no control whatsoever of the future. So any time I spend speculating on it, is just time wasted for me. I just wanted to share with you that this has worked and helped me immensely in my struggle to stay clean and to cut my dose in half, which is where I'm at right now. I hope this doesn't come across as sounding preachy or anything like that. I just wanted to share with you one of the many lessons I've learned that help me in this stuggle, and it is probably the hardest struggle we will ever have in this life. Please forgive me for being so long winded. I really didn't intend for this to be so long. But as they say, it is what it is. I so hope that this finds you doing well and feeling strong. PS. Have you ever tried taking melatonin for the sleep problem? It's completely natural, and they used it on me one time when I was in a treatment center and it really seemed to help.
Kar92 Power Poster Posts: 242 Registered: Dec 2007  Posted October 10th, 2010 01:15 PM   IP              Hi Amber, I am reading your taper thread here, just wanted to chime in so you can add another person to the list of those who want to support you. I think you did a smart thing by going to 10 mil . I guess that's the same as 10 mg in your case. Are you in the US? Sorry I haven't read the rest of the board in a few weeks, so maybe I don't have that right. The thing that made me sit up straight & read your posts with more interest (and a lot of respect!) is when you said you have a 1 year old child to look after! That is a huge responsibility, no matter if you don't get any sleep, that child will be up and into *everything* no matter how you're feeling so you need to be feeling *good*!! If it takes a little longer to go down the last few mgs, please don't be hard on yourself. You are "listening to your body" as another poster put it. I want to wish you luck on your taper and tell you how really challenging I know it is for a person responsible for a toddler. That's the just-beginning-to-walk age, if only 12 months-- but if your 1 year old is already 18 months (assuming a 1 year old is anywhere between 1 and 2) then s/he's probably climbing up all the furniture and can out do you with energy nearly every day!! You wake up and if you haven't slept well you almost feel hung over yet the child is raring to go and you feel like you want to be enthusiastic, but it's so hard if you're feeling sick! You did the right thing, by holding at 10 for a short while, and if you ever find you have to take it a little more slowly you and your child will both benefit from you taking care of *you* !! Best to you! Karan
Trish Member Posts: 31 Registered: Oct 2010  Posted October 11th, 2010 12:02 PM   IP              Hi Amber. I'm only one month into a MMT program and on 40 mgs, but I'm doing what I can to make sure I stay at this dosage rather than moving up because I can see how difficult it is for others to taper down. It's posts like yours that really let the rest of us know and understand what it might be like for us when our own time comes ... and you sharing your story is very much appreciated. I wish there was advice I could give you that would help, but I'm only in the beginning of the learning process myself. One thing I will say is that I think it was wise of you to go to the 10. I think that sometimes we may need a "break" or a chance to recharge before taking on the challenge of tapering down again. Good luck! Trish Trish Charlotte Treatment Center, Charlotte NC Personal email: tricia.pike1103@gmail.com
taperingfrom140 Posting Pro Posts: 791 Registered: Aug 2008  Posted October 12th, 2010 01:33 PM   IP              AMBER, take it from me, I've been there - the last 10mg are hardly giving you any benefit and you are becoming excessively emotional (VERY common with ANY fluctuation in methadone serum levels, especially at "the end") and the bottom line is, "normal people" (I am currently on 60mg/day so don't take "normal" offensively) usually have good days and bad days. Just coming off of methadone, the first month, you might have more bad days than good, but that will change. Be strong, keep your eyes on the prize and KNOW that you can do it. The last 10mg is a HUGE mind trip. After 4mg, there isn't even enough in your system to hold you for 2 hrs. At 10mg, you're probably only holding for 6-8 hrs. out of the day, but 6-8 hrs. of relief (no matter how minor) IS a big thing, so I agree with you taking it while you can get it. Once you get to 4mg, really analyze whether or not you are getting any benefit. If you go down 1 every other week for now, that would be good I think, but prolonging it 8 weeks past the time you get to 4mg might not be wise. Listen to your body - it'll never steer you wrong if your head is in the right place. Good luck and God Bless - Tape There is life after pain...
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted October 19th, 2010 02:11 PM   IP              Hey guys!! Thank you for all of your responses. and the mgs , I was just saying it like milligram. I used the wrong shortform sorry. My son is 12mos, he has been walking since he was 10 mos, and now is crawling of furniture, and VERY active. lol, I just started back up at work , on MIDNIGHTS, so ontop of it, I am struggling throughout the night, cause my dose isn't holding me, and taking my drink in the morning. Gettin' some sleep, and watching my son for the other half of the day. (in the morning my sister is stayin' at my house to watch with sitting) so lets just say, I am having a difficult time doing this. I moved down to 9 mgs this week I am feeling okay, until late hours of the night then I start getting that dreaded "feeling" ... I am just going to take it slow. a mg every 2 weeks. One I get to 5, maybe even a 1/2 mg every 2 weeks.. until I get to 4 or 3, take vacation from work for a week, and JUMP! I am thinkin' it won't be until Feb. or March. I seriously dream of the day this stuff isn't constantly on my mind!- sigh Oh- and I live in Canada. They take the done' here and put it in tang juice, I guess to prevent shooting it up. My doc says, if you shoot tang juice once, you'll never do it again! LOL!!! Thanks for everyones support, I will keep you all updated on my journey to freedom!
dal33 *MODERATOR* Detox/Taper Forum Posts: 939 Registered: Apr 2009  Posted October 25th, 2010 04:36 PM   IP              Hi again Amber! What a handful you've got! And going slowly is the best thing I can think of. I have learned this lesson! Especially lately. I thought I had this lesson learned before, but...............as usual, I quickly forget!! Last week though, there was a "meeting of the minds" LOL w/ my counselor the head nurse & myself. So, decision-wise,I will either go up a few mgs., or hold where I am when I go in again on Tuesday; I go in twice a month. I am so impressed with your progress! I believe it does take a lot of determination & I guess I'd call it courage, to do a taper off of methadone & stay clean. I read from others, socrates for one, that it's entirely do-able! But from a # of others too. What you are writing about, where you're at mg.-wise, is that "Wall" I hear soooo many talk about. I have a close friend that is still going between 5mg. & 2&1/2mg. Most days it's the 2&1/2, but it's to me that it's seems so hard to let go of it. I guess there could be some fear from him?? I dunno......I am a long way from there, but also a long way from where I started! I guess that mostly I am surprised that how such a seemingly small amount; 3mgs. could/would have such an affect on me! I thought it was like nothing, 3 mgs. when I'm at 160mgs/day or where I am now, 150/day. Well I am hi-jacking your thread here, & most of all, I want to say that I think you are doing great & I always look forward to reading your posts! Hop to see ya' soon! Thanks again! take care & be well "Strange how people who suffer together have stronger commitments than peoplewho are most content" b. dylan
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted November 9th, 2010 10:38 AM   IP              Hey guys, it is me again! I have been working my midnight shift, getting home and drinking my dose, and then going to sleep. So far so good. Today I went down to 8! woohoo, I am starting to feel proud of myself. I know I still have awhile to go.. but this is good!
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted November 16th, 2010 12:12 PM   IP              Moved down to 7 yesterday and planning to hold for a least 2 weeks to adjust. I have good days and bad days! Last night was a bad night. I was tossing and turning all night, and couldn't sleep. I am off work for the week on holidays and trying to adjust to sleeping at night again without just taking my dose. My partner is having a difficult time sleeping beside me, apparently I move my leg like 90 while sleeping. lol... I am just taking it very slow at this point. 1 mg every couple of weeks, even 3 if I need it, so far I have been steadily going down 1 every 2 weeks, but the lower I get the more difficult it is. I am going to try and get to 2 or 3, and take a week off work sometime in the new yr, and jump off. Trying not to think about it to much, because the thought of it gives me the shivers, I have never been so scared of anything in my life. hope everyone is doing well, I pray for you all!
socrates *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 960 Registered: May 2007  Posted November 17th, 2010 01:47 AM   IP              Hi Amber, You sound like you are making great strides! Just remember that many of us have been able to move on and have journal'd the whole thing on this site. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am confident that this will go as smooth as it can! Regards, -s
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted December 6th, 2010 07:59 AM   IP              Moved down to 6. Let me tell you guys, I just don't sleep anymore I feel so tired at the end of my day, go to sleep, and two hours later, I am awake. I can't handle it. Sometimes, I feel like just going back up, and saying screw the taper. But other days I know I can do this. I feel like I have gotten myself in a horrible mess, and I am not the mother I could be if it wasn't for this stuff. I booked a week off of work in March in hopes that I am ready to make the jump off then. I hope everyone is doing good in their own rollercoaster of taper. xoxoox- Amber
justanother1 Member Posts: 25 Registered: Feb 2010  Posted December 6th, 2010 01:09 PM   IP              Hi Amber85, So 85 is your birthyear? Glad to hear that you are still young and ready to leave the shit behind. A child is a very good reason other then for yourself. I understand your saying in I just feel like going back up! but STOP hold that thought, and toss it out. You didnt suffer this far just to start all over? Anyway, what i am about to tell you, others may not agree on. But this is how I did it and got off now 9 Months ago. Wow 9 months, is nice when you take time to think of the success Lets put it like this, you go down 1 mil everyweek and still suffer from sleeplessness and your restless ready to hop out of your skin!! Well you cant avoid that without substituting with other crap, which I will advise against. But I always went down half my dose. Literally from 110 mg to 55, and so forth, until I got to 1.25 mg. Yeah ok everytime i jumped I really had a few aches and pains, sleeplessness wasnt a case for me until under 5 milligrams. If you cut your dose by half ( once your body has accustomed itself to the last reduction)you still go through the same shit as by going down 1 mg everyweek. Actually I didnt find it so difficult at all. Was actually surprised by how easy it was. Well thats how I did it, with one addition. Totally being mentally syked and prepared for this. My thoughts where just telling me let this crap go. its bringing me nowhere but down. And Im not a loser, sorry i am not!!! Are you?? No, so defeat the battle. I gotta run, I'll be back. I wish you the best of luck. Dont go back up, go all the way down!! with kind regards, R
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted December 9th, 2010 11:50 AM   IP              yup, I am 25! ... Started using at 16, and stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Never will touch drugs again. I am confident. Since I stopped, my life has done a 180. I am out of debt, have a beautiful son, bought a house, work fulltime. I will never look back. Just have to get off the meth. and trust me I WILL. I have been feeling okay the last few days! yay, good days, and bad days, that what it is all about on this journey. I am holding at 6 until the beginning of the new yr. I am really hoping to go down 2 mls in Jan, and 2 mls in Feb, and take the jump at 2mls in March. This is my plan, I am worried about being to sick to watch Charlie, but I have lots of support around me that will help. You know, sometimes I sit and think... If I can do this.. I can do anything. I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel... I know the last 6 is going to be the hardest, but I have come this far. I am really appriciating the support, and the being able to talk about it from you's all. Prayers are still needed! xoxoxo
justanother1 Member Posts: 25 Registered: Feb 2010  Posted December 11th, 2010 06:59 AM   IP              Hi Amber, Good luck to you on your methods of going down. But now to be honest with you, you are making it very difficult on yourself. Being on meth is making your trip very difficult. Your body needs all the minerals and vitamines it can get. And meth is depleting it of it. Thats a reason ( in my perspective) your having it so rough on still a fairly normal decreasage of dosage.. One has to diagnose the whole situation, lifestyle, nutrition, overall health and your fitness level. Things go hand in hand when it comes to the body, if one thing is lacking it will throw the whole balance off. and make recovery that much more difficult. Get healthy and it will help. A lot!! One part of getting healthy is changing a lot in your life. Not just going away from methadone. Of course that is the goal, but many more influences must change. Good luck Amber. Till soon again. And keep that head up and look at how you can really improve yourself over all. Regards, R PS - just trying to help
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted December 11th, 2010 09:49 AM   IP              Call me stupid, but I am having a hard time figuring out what you are saying. Are you saying I need to eat healthier and take vitamins?
justanother1 Member Posts: 25 Registered: Feb 2010  Posted December 11th, 2010 10:00 AM   IP              Your not stupid, just did'nt get my point, maybe I'm stupid. What I was getting at is drop the meth. Your body is constantly hit by poisons, and you are wondering why it is so hard ...... Read up on meth and what it actually does to your body. How it depletes it of everything. If you need to eat healthier you need to know that. Take vitamins during your Taper, YES. Drink lots of water. And kick your dope. That shit doesnt help you emotionally/mentaly either. good luck, R
justanother1 Member Posts: 25 Registered: Feb 2010  Posted December 11th, 2010 10:02 AM   IP              haha, hey Amber, I Apologize, I was thinking of methamphetamine. Ignore my last posts
Amber85 Member Posts: 38 Registered: Sep 2010  Posted December 11th, 2010 11:59 AM   IP              ahhhhhhhh there we go. lol.. I was soooo confused.. I am like "that is what I am trying to do, get off the methadone".. geez.. lol.. Sorry for the confusion xoxo
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