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Methadone Anonymous Forums :: REGULAR FORUMS :: BLOG AWAY! :: Mike's blog, poems & rants of an addict
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 15th, 2008 12:38 PM   IP              Here I am, carving out another little corner for myself where I can put my poetry or my mad rants. The journey of recovery is so long and filled with so many different things...mood swings, depression, times of great hope, sorrow, guilt, anticipation, trepidation, anger, happiness, laughter, tears, frustration...you name it. We face it all...and we do so stark naked (figuratively that is...lol)...and by that I mean...no drugs to mask the feelings, nothing to hide behind or crawl under...no real place to run. No matter what the issue...what the problem...what the emotion, we just have to face it and deal with it. It's like the biggest roller coaster ride in the world...highs, lows, peaks, valleys, twists, turns and sometimes, everything totally upside down and inside out. Here we go. By the way, feel free to join me anytime. I don't have to ride alone. Time to get ready for work...off we go.
recoverygurl Member Posts: 41 Registered: Nov 2008  Posted December 15th, 2008 09:50 PM   IP              Very well put Mike, I like that!! Alright I hopped on the roller coaster with you, hang on let me just buckle up!! Alright lets roll!! Your Friend, Recoverygurl "tough times never last, tough people do."
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 16th, 2008 12:54 PM   IP              Hi Recoverygurl, Thanks for stopping by. Before I left here, I had a thread in this section that held about 100 of my poems and when I left, I deleted the whole thing. One of those "duuhhh" things to do. Anyway, it was months before anyone stopped by to add their own poetry or "mad rants" so I am very glad that you hopped on board. I'm really very glad to be back here and I'm looking forward to meeting and getting to know some of those people who joined while I was gone. Feel free to drop by this thread anytime and add anything you want...poems, rants, blurbs...just whatever is on your mind at that given moment. And if you'd rather just stop in and say hi on occassion, that's okay too. Take good care and again, thanks. Mike9158
sonico *MODERATOR* Posts: 2255 Registered: Aug 2007  Posted December 17th, 2008 03:16 AM   IP              Hi and Welcome Back Mike good to hear from you! I like what you said in the 1st part of this thread really made me think of the Christmas I am having with a lot anxiety. Guess its just all part of the roller coaster ride called reality! Anyway, not wanting to hog your space, I was just wanting to welcome you back, so, welcome back! Sonico.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 17th, 2008 01:30 PM   IP              Hi Angus, Thanks for the welcome back buddy. I really missed you all. I hope people don't mind that I'm back. I was a bit nervous posting...lots of new faces...and I felt like there was a lot of people who were going to be saying, "Who's this Mike guy and why is he the forum director when he hasn't even been around???" Maybe just that "addict insecurity"...I don't know. THAT is all just part of the "roller coaster" I guess. Over-confidence followed by Insecurity....anticipation followed by fear. And meanwhile, all we can do is keep on trying to do our life..one day at a time. Man, I'm glad you're here and I appreciate you stopping by my blog. You know you're welcome anytime with anything. By the way, how are your hands since your operations? Talk to you later buddy. Take care. Mike9158
sonico *MODERATOR* Posts: 2255 Registered: Aug 2007  Posted December 17th, 2008 03:39 PM   IP              Mike, No ones going to mind that you are back though I never really understood why you left though again, lets not focus on the 'why is Mike back' and focus more on the 'yes Mike is back, if you get my drift : ) I do not think you left anyone with hard feelings so nothing to worry about except for getting your self back into the flow of the blog, rants and poems!!! (and of course expert advice) As for the hands the Carpal Tunnel Surgery on both hands has worked a treat, I am no longer in any pain in my hands or arms. And the wounds have healed up great and that's all good. But there is a but, I am not sleeping still the most sleep I get at one time is one hour shifts though I am on a weeks only supply of sleeping pills to try and help when I go collect my daughter tomorrow from the train station then take here back here, is a 4 hour journey for both of us. Whether or not though this high anxiety I feel is to do with the insomnia and chronic fatigue I do not really know but something is not quiet right with my emotions is how I feel just now. Though I will be getting on that train as like my Dad said, all I have to do is sit there. The anxiety though is not anxiety I have experienced before, it really comes and goes without warning or triggers so I think it is biological and going to wait till after the new year to see if it is Christmas Nerves, or somethings more. Is strange as when I started to write this response I felt anxious and now I feel how I like to normally feel, calm and okay, very strange indeed. But I think once I get on the train I will start to relax with the change in environment and I love travelling and of course my daughter who I have not seen for a long time too. This too could be a unconscious strain on my mind as we have a good relationship and just want everything to be perfect for when she is here. I will keep you posted on how I get on tomorrow though and sure buy the time we get home, though I know I am going to have to battle with my anxeity i will get there. Thanks for letting me vent was needing that. Sonico.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 18th, 2008 12:52 PM   IP              Hi Angus, I think one trait all we addicts share from time to time is anxiety. I was so anxious coming back here and was so worried about how I would be received. I am serious, I was actually scared. Of course, there goes that addict mind-set...it's all about "I" and "me"....and trying to control things that I know I don't really have any control over. One thing that has not gotten any better with my switch from methadone to suboxone are my OCD's. My wife thinks they are even a little worse. I tend to dwell on things at times and I know this is just part of my recovery I have to work on. Let's see how things are after the holidays and see how your anxiety is then. Maybe we can come up with some thoughts or ideas. Like I said, I'm glad you're here pal. Question for you...I thought about putting some of my poetry back in my blog...what do you think? Take it easy and I'll talk to you later. Mike9158
sonico *MODERATOR* Posts: 2255 Registered: Aug 2007  Posted December 18th, 2008 03:08 PM   IP              You just hit the nail in the head with the word 'dwell', as my psychotherapist said to me 'if I spent as much time looking out the way, as I do in the way I will be okay'. So best not dwell on things but I had a great day travelling with my daughter all went to plan. I have however been up since 3am and its now 8pm and feeling a bit spaced out, but in a good way all that positive energy I think. 2 things I am thinking 1 is I hope you do not mind me putting my own thoughts into your blog, I know you don't but though I would mention it. Maybe just need a bit of a push to get the ball rolling here but by all means go ahead with the poetry back on form Mike, as it was part of the web-site, but only if that is what you want to do not for me to answer. I can tell I am tired as I am starting to go round in circles? But I give that a BIG thumbs UP! Cheers, Gus.
MarkA Power Poster Posts: 186 Registered: May 2008  Posted December 19th, 2008 04:16 PM   IP              Hi Mike You posted up a poam when you responded to me in another forum..I liked it and I think if you have the creativity to do it and it helps you in your recovery then get typing. I think while you were gone the site lost a man with alot of insight of drug addiction..But you are back and I think you are glad to be back. I am glad you are back too!! Note:I am not reponsible for any comments I make.
socrates *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 960 Registered: May 2007  Posted December 19th, 2008 11:54 PM   IP              Hi Mike, Great to see you around. Something that you have touched upon is something I ponder lots and lots "anxiety" I sometimes think it would be cool to write the book that was about 10,000 pages talking about all that. Animals have a flight or fight response and I think many addicts are in flight... and what proceeds that is anxiety. Something I did when I first got sober is I would try to jump in... resisting all instincts I said I will go for everything I think is not me that I have bit of envy for. That "anxiety" says so much about people who suffer. I think many times that "anxiety" is the opposite of success... in a sorta strange way, as in please understand where I am going with this. For now, the opposite of "anxiety" is "confidence"... I am starting to babble but I truly wonder how much a role anxiety plays... when I got off Methadone I had lots of it... but I kept pushing myself forward into those fearful situations and now I have a tad bit more confidence. And anyone that has deep seated anxiety, this is not a post about what is better and I think we all would love a little less anxiety. Mike, whenever you post, it always has me thinking. TTYL, -s
sonico *MODERATOR* Posts: 2255 Registered: Aug 2007  Posted December 20th, 2008 01:00 AM   IP              Interesting and good points Soc and good practice pushing your self into those fearful situations though not to over-do it at the same time. Again this strikes chords with my therapist who also said 'its better to put your self into situations than avoid then' I think the thinking being that we can condition ourselves to becoming anxious. Have I got that right? I usually use my anxieties as a tool though when something is wrong either mentally or physically in that just now either I am over reacting to a fearful situation or something's up we me bodies chemistry, no being a doctor that's a far into it I go but sure thing too, life would be easier without it, but we need to feel a bit of anxiety to keep us safe, even thinking of paranoia. As, if we didn't get a we bit paranoid we would end up in some pretty dreadful situations. You also mention failure I do think I punish myself at times about the relapses and the addiction i have had over the last few years and feel a terrible sense of failure or regret though at the same time, do take a lot from knowing that I am starting to succeed at the same time in becoming a recovering addict, one day at a time though. Gus.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 22nd, 2008 12:58 PM   IP              Hi everyone, This is more "company" than I ever had in my old blog....lol. Any of you and all of you are welcome to add anything you want when you visit. Poetry, thoughts, ramblings...or just stopping by to say hi. You're my friends and you are always welcome. It's four days before Christmas and today is my "Friday" at work. I am looking forward to my three days off and looking forward to seeing my family over Christmas. Of course, my kids are pretty well grown now so all of them will be "passing through"...trying to spend time with as much of our family as possible. Like most people, I think Christmas has many emotions for me. My mother's husband, who was 18 years younger than my mom (they were married 29 years), passed away on December 21st, 2005. Because he was actually three months younger than I am, he was more like a brother and good friend to me than anything else. We both liked motorcycles, rock music and drugs. We partied together and both of us eventually got clean. But he got Hep C and liver cancer and for whatever reason, I didn't. So although there will be hints of sadness in the air at times, my wife, Susan and I will be going to my mother's home for Christmas dinner....just as we would if he was still alive. My daughter (who's 24) and her boyfriend have come down from northern Illinois and will stop over....probably just long enough to say hi, grab some desert, some hugs and then go off to wherever they need to go. My oldest son (who's 23) and his fiance' are going to my ex-wife's house for Christmas dinner and then will try and make an appearance at my mother's. My middle son, (who's 22), is working out on the river tow boats and won't be home until the first week of January...so he is MIA. And my youngest son, Trace (who's 18 on January 13th) will stop by Christmas afternoon for hugs, hot chocolate and presents...and then will have dinner with my ex, her boyfriend, and my oldest son. My wife's daughter (who is 28) lives in Chicago and came down for Thanksgiving (with her boyfriend) but can't make it for Christmas. And through it all, as everyone makes the rounds, giving hugs and presents, my wife and I will quietly hold hands and watch the world go on around us.....just part of the consequence of growing older and moving on from relationships we left years ago to be together. So in the end...is it a Merry Christmas???............Absolutely. My children are clean, sober, healthy and happy. My mother is surviving the loss of her husband and has been left financially secure by him...and still has us if she needs us. My ex-wife (who is 43...has moved on and bought a home with her boyfriend of three years (who...to my dismay...is only 24...lol). I have my wonderful wife, Susan, who I adore, I have 12 wonderful in-door cats, my sobriety, a fairly decent job, a nice home, relative financial security, and last but certainly not least, I have this place and my friends here...all with lives and stories of their own. And despite my years of drug abuse, total stupidity, selfishness and emotional bullshit, I have all these people who love me (my family)...and sometimes depend on me...and I know how fortunate I am to be able to be here for them. Indeed, it's a Merry Christmas. Time to get ready for work...it's my "Friday".
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 23rd, 2008 01:37 PM   IP              Two days before Christmas and I'm alive, riding this road of recovery and experiencing all the fun and games of this journey. It was simpler back then, whenever things didn't suit me, I'd get high on my Loritabs or Oxy's. Then I was pleasent, kind, compassionate. And of course, if I had no Loritabs or Oxy's, then I was a bastard to everyone around me...children, adults, friends, family, strangers, old people, it didn't matter. I figured, after all, "I'm hurting, I have the right". The addict's two favorite words..."ME" and "YES"...the addict's least favorite words..."NO" and "DRY". Four simple words that determined how everyone's life around me was gona be. If dad has his drugs..good time. If dad has no drugs...bad time. Life's a lot more complicated than that now. I no longer have favorite words or least favorite words. The words are bigger and harder to spell..."UNDERSTANDING", "COMPASSION", "HONESTY", "INSECURITY". And so many more. I have a long way to go to be the man I should be, but I thank my Higher Power that I'm on this journey, for better or worse. I want to know the real me. There are still some times when my shame and guilt make it difficult to look in the mirror, but I'm learning. That's the good thing...I can learn everyday. I can learn from addicts, I can learn from non-addicts, I can learn from old people, I can learn from young people. The New Year is here with endless possibilities and I'm alive...it's a start. I have about 200 poems that I've written over the years (since 1978) and I wrote this one this year. It's called, The Wreckage Of My Life I look back at this wreckage... Of this time I call my life. And I wonder if the fault was mine, Or just an act of Christ? Was I bent on self destruction, Or were my faculties possessed? Was there a reason for the path I followed, Or was I only seeking death? I was never raised in poverty... I was strictly middle class, But I laid down in the gutter, To join the other trash. Life always seemed to be too much... Always running from the past. Running from my failures, And the shadows that they cast. If the past was broken, And tomorrow was just a lie, I saw no future living, And felt that I should die. Life truely had no value... And I was lost in degradation. All I could do was close my eyes, And pray for my salvation. Life or death was all I had... No more stress or strife. For better or worse...good or bad... I decided to choose life. Perhaps I wanted vindication, Or maybe I was too scared to die. But something made me want to live, And I knew I had to try. I focused on recovery, And looked with honesty at my soul, And found this wounded child, Too afraid to grow. But through the Steps, I found my way... And the child is becoming a man. I know I am both good and bad, But have accepted who I am. Now life's wreckage is cleared away, And I give a knowing nod... The reason I have found this journey, Is the Higher Power I call God.... I am Blessed in so many ways. Mike9158 January 2008 Please understand that I am very "Spiritual" and believe strongly in my Higher Power. I admit that I am not big on formal religion. I believe "Something" amazing created this planet and everything in it...I just find it hard to believe something that amazing would care if I say "thank you" in my car or in a building called "church". That's all I have to say on the subject of religion. I totally respect everyone else's take on "Religion" or "God" or whatever their "Higher Power" is. Most of my poetry is not religious. Please know I never mean to offend anyone and I have no desire to get into any type of religious debate with anyone. To all my friends...please know that I would be honored if you ever decide to put a poem or a "saying" or a thought or whatever in my blog. Nothing is foolish if it comes from the hand, mind or heart of a friend. Take care all and I'm looking forward to being with everyone in 2009. Time to get get the oil changed with my son...lol...back to life we go. Later. (Edited by mike9158)
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 24th, 2008 05:24 PM   IP              It's Christmas Eve and I'm relieved. For some reason, I've been tense most of the day with last minute shopping and trying to make sure everyone in the family is going to show up where they are supposed to be at the right times. A typical addict...trying to control it all. I'm grateful to be alive...grateful that I have a family to enjoy the holidays with and grateful that I am clean and sober. I am still adjusting to this change from the methadone to the suboxone and as I pointed out to my counselor this afternoon (yes, I had to go see him...TODAY), I don't really feel as though I am stablized on the suboxone yet. The emotional life of an addict...happy for awhile, anxious for awhile..always thinking, always dwelling on this or that. Just keep trying. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 25th, 2008 12:12 PM   IP              It's Christmas morning and the house is quiet. What a change from the old days when the kids were up at the crack of dawn laughing and making a racket over the presents under the tree. Just my wife and I now...and our 12 cats...lol. But that's okay. I guess it's the natural progression of life. Still, I miss the echos of their laughter...the wrappers all over the floor from opened presents...the smell of pine needles and the excitement and cheer. But it's okay. Time moves on and now the kids are "stopping by" to open presents and have a meal....and then on to the familie's of their spouses and girlfriends and boyfriends to have their "other" Christmas' there. But it's okay. Today, my wife and I will share the day in peace, quiet and relative comfort, enjoying each other's company and being grateful that we are alive and together. This is Christmas 2008.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 28th, 2008 12:15 PM   IP              Another day in paradise...lol...I have my two "12's" behind me but still have two "8's" to do today and tomorrow. I don't know why but I really don't have a great desire to go into work today. Maybe because it's 50 degrees out and sunny and I'd rather bundle up and ride my motorcycle. Or maybe it's because I got a call at the crack of dawn this morning over a plastic spoon missing at our detention center. This is serious, yes, because once filed down, that plastic spoon could be a lethal weapon. Anyway, they had to confirm that I actually threw the item in the trash after a dinner meal with unit 100 last night. Maybe I'm just tired of being in this environment...everyday...where a plastic spoon can mean life or death. I didn't really care back then when I used my pills. Afterall, back then, give me ten Loritabs and I was invincible...and I enjoyed everyone's company around me. Hell, I even liked myself when I was high. Well, today, I'm not high...I'm not invincible...I don't feel like being around my co-workers or putting up with the dangers and bullshit of my work environment. Hell, I'm not even sure I want to put up with my own bullshit today. When The Fight Is Over I hold these demons deep inside, Where no one can ever see. They hurt my soul and break my heart And never set me free. All my life has been extremes, From failure to success. Driven by their anger, I've only know excess. Even in my anguish, I never seem to cry. Their laughter seems to chase me, Until I want to die. This fight is almost over. Peace is finally close at hand. I'll rest my soul where poets sleep, In another land. Mike9158 1990 I wrote this dark poem many years ago when I was a very different person. And although I'm not that person anymore, I sometimes see shadows from the past. And today is one of those days. Just another day in paradise And off to work we go.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted December 29th, 2008 12:33 PM   IP              Here I am still feeling a bit of "the blues", and in reality, I don't really know why. Part of it has to do with my clinic I guess. We are odds about my suboxone and of course, "what they say goes". When I switched from methadone to suboxone two months ago, I was only at 10mg of methadone and had tapered down from 40mg. I told them then that the 10mg was noty holding me and that my only alternative was either going back up a bit or making the switch to suboxone. I am on 1 pill a day, which is 8mg. I've been on this dose since the first day I switched and I truly don't feel it's holding me. I take the pill at about 8:00AM and by 9AM, I'm chattering and talking non stop to my wife. Then, the rest of the day, I'm fine. But when I get home at night, I'm achy, I'm more irritable, I get the yawns and even hot flashes on occassion. The clinic says I'm fine so I live with it. I don't really know what else is up. Maybe I was expecting and hoping for too much with the suboxone. The "magic" weight loss...the total return of the sex drive...the fact that suboxone is "supposed" to hold on to your receptors tighter than the methadone did. I don't know, I just know something isn't right. It's my Friday but I swear, it's sunny and 50 degrees outside and the temptation to call off and just get on my motorcycle, bundle up and ride is over-whelming. Still, I know I can't do that. I mean...I could..I have plenty of "sick time" saved up. But I won't...because it's just not me and even if I did, I'd be on a guilt trip all day knowing I should be at work. Anyway, I'm sober..I'm clean...and I KNOW I should be thankful. I guess I better get going....life is calling...oh boy.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 1st, 2009 12:06 PM   IP              The first day of 2009. The year that I am hoping and praying will be the best for me in a very long time. I would have preferred a more relaxing holiday but family issues kept me running and on the road for a good portion of New Year's Eve and will again today. Today we go to my Step-father's for the afternoon and evening and even though they have a computer, I will be unable to be on it. I feel much guilt because many of my MSO family members were in the chat room yesterday and last night and I wasn't there to support anyone. By the time I learned that Mel was going to have the chat room marathon, I had already made plans that involved three of my four children and my mother. Still, as "Forum Director", I had an obligation to be there and I failed at that obligation. Guilt has never been one of my strong points...and I have always carried it with me throughout my recovery. It's hard to believe that I haven't even had the time to come here...to my little corner of the world, since the 29th. And it sucks. Life gets moving too fast sometimes. Oh well, time to get cleaned up and run again. And then tomorrow, the "12's" start over. Oh boy.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 5th, 2009 01:10 PM   IP              It's five days into the new year and so far, it's okay. Today is my Friday and I'm looking forward to the next three days off starting tomorrow. I have to meet with the clinic doctor this Thursday and I'm debating on what I should tell her and what I should just keep quiet about. This past week or so, I only took half a pill a day on my suboxone and for the first three days, it was okay. I started taking my regular dose again day before yesterday and did so again this morning. I don't really want the doc to know that I'm experimenting because I don't want her to think I'm trying to taper myself off or anything that would make her change my current dose. If I can taper, I will, but I want it to be at MY pace, not someone elses. Typical addict behavior...can't give up that control. Damn...I know I should but I just can't right now. I wrote a very "simplistic" poem last night and after I re-read it, it sounds like smething a kid in high school would write. Geez, I hope I'm not losing my talent at the one thing I do halfway well... Ride My Roller-Coaster My life has been a roller-coaster, With twists and turns at every bend. I don't remember how it started, And I don't know if it will end. Bad decisions and a selfish life, Have turned me upside down. If life is just a carnival, Then I'm the crying clown. Sometime's life's so high, It seems that Heaven must be near. Then I'm crashing towards the ground, And my life is full of fear. Like a roller-coaster flying, The years have blurred on past. And with the years have come my sins, And the shadows that they cast. Someday on an even track, Maybe I'll find the peace... Perhaps I'll find some sanity, And this ride will finally cease. Until that day, I'll hold on tight... I'll close my eyes and pray, That I'll survive this endless ride, And someday walk away. Mike9158 January 2009 Time to leave my corner of the world and see what the next turn has in store today. See you tomorrow.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 6th, 2009 02:23 PM   IP              Here I am, back in the forums and reading the many posts from my friends. For whatever reason, my own little corner here seems quite alone again. I haven't had a visitor in several days. And so I write. I was looking through my poems the other day and found a poem I wrote all the way back in 1975. Now that's giving away my age...lol...older than dirt. The Precious Things We always miss the precious things, Once they pass us by. We can never bring them back, No matter how we try. We take these things for granted, When ever they are near. It's only after they are gone, That we ever shed a tear. It's sad to see this happen, Time and time again. By never knowing what's truly precious, We bring them to an end. Mike9158 1975 A very simple poem about a very simple thing...loss. Something that we addicts know only too well. Time to go join the world.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 7th, 2009 03:00 PM   IP              Today's my second day off of the week and it's a good day. I'm back to taking a full suboxone again and all in all, I'm doing pretty good. I go in to see the doc tomorrow at the clinic and because I goofed around with my pills earlier, I will only be taking half a pill tomorrow so the count comes out right. I like the idea of only taking half a pill but I know I need to quit trying to "run my own program". Not only that, but I don't know near as much about suboxone as I do methadone. I was on methadone for ten years and I've only been on suboxone a couple months. I need to quit playing around. Geez, addict behavior...it never quits. Hoping to have a decent night tonight. SusanMarie and I are going over to my sons' house to see my new grandson and play a board game called Scatagories...lol. A sign of the economic times I guess...playing board games costs no money. Good for the "family" thing too. Like every addict, I guess that no matter how good the day feels, I always have to worry that "something" might go wrong. God forbid there should be no dark clouds on the horizon...lol...whatever would I do?...lol. Anyway, for this moment, I am at peace with my life. There was a time when I never thought I would say those words...so let me be grateful. And let me always try and give back to my fellow addicts and to try and make amends for all the hurt and bad I caused others in this life when I was a different person. Whatever I did to deserve this second chance, I am so grateful and will not take it for granted. And tomorrow morning, my wife and I will get up and enjoy coffee together as we do every morning when we're off of work. How could I ever know that such a simplicity could make me so happy? And then we'll see where tomorrow takes me. See ya.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 12th, 2009 04:30 PM   IP              It's been a few days since I've been here in my little spot. Between work and catching a flu bug, it's all I could do to stay caught up in the other threads. I wanted to add some more poetry to my blog, so I think I will. This poem I wrote in July of lasy year. I was trying to deal with some of the issues of the past...my own childhood...my experience as a drug addicted parent...just things that make up some of my "baggage". I am so grateful to have this little corner of the world where I can write these feelings and thoughts down...where I can look at them and try and make sense of it all. A Small Child Cries A small child cries in the dead of night. His world is darkness without any light. He cries so quiet, feeling the pain... Fearing the anger and the wrath again. His parents sit in an empty room... Surrounded by gult...darkness and gloom. The warmth of their poison has faded away, They can't bare the thought of facing the day. Their pain has exploded in an ugly rain... The scars on their arms forever remain. Lost in a world of hopeless confusion... They know the warmth is a passing illusion. But this child born from his mother's womb, Still cries alone in a darkened room. The child knows fear but can't understand When he feels the slap of an angry hand. His pain may pass, but his scars will remain... Like the scars on their arms...an ugly stain. For this little child can only cry, Wanting to love but too afraid to try. This small child's love, once pure like rain, Is forever replaced by cries that strain. And a parents' dream of a small child born Is lost to the drugs...the pain and the scorn. Mike9158 July, 2008 It's an ugly poem about an ugly subject and one that I wish didn't exist. But it does...and it shouldn't...and maybe someday when and if the world gets well, it won't.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 13th, 2009 04:41 PM   IP              Back in 2004, when I met my wife, I was at a strange cross-road in life. So much of my life had been wasted by drugs and bad decisions...I felt like I had so much to make up. But the truth was, I was terrified. It was during this time that I "jumped off" methadone at 10mg. One day, when I wasn't feeling particularly great...but not near as bad as everyone said I was going to feel, I sat down and wrote this. I Have Traveled Here Before I know I have traveled here long ago, When I was just a youth... When dreams were cloaked in innocence And voices spoke the truth. But things were so much different then... Love had no pretense. Love was a young girl laughing And a boy with quiet confidence. There was no such thing as losing... No need to shed a tear. Love was meant for laughing eyes And sweet whispers in the ear. Those years have surely passed me by... Those whispers in the wind. A self imposed lonliness For the many times I've sinned. Watching from a distant window As love just passes by... No one knows this emptiness Or sees the tears I cry. Locked inside my solitude... Hidden safe within my room. No one knows the silence That echoes in this tomb. But now I'm standing on the outside... The sun warm upon my face. I'm reaching out to someone To pull me from this place. You've brought a fire to my soul Where once was just an ember. You've opened up my world And helped me to remember... That once I knew a happiness When I believed that love was true. And maybe I can believe again, If I can learn from you. So once again I open my soul To a feeling I once knew. My heart is exposed and vulnerable... I put my faith in you. If I am truly what you want... My life is here for the taking....... Mike9158 October, 2004 Went to the doctor today after missing two days of work this week. Seems I have a "respiratory infection". He also decided to run some tests to check my testosterone levels and some other things. Back in two weeks he says. He made me smile today though. He read my chart and saw where it said "was using 30-40 hydrocodone "10's" a day from 1992 to 1998...started methadone 12/10/98". He told me I should be dead...lol. No shit. I told him..."Not me" doc. He said, "Good...so let's get you healthy". I said, "sounds like a plan"...lol. Then I found out he has been in recovery for years too...and he was an "opiate abuser". No wonder he understands me...lol. That's good...now I don't have bother him with my bullshit...lol. Oh well, time to take me and my "respiratory infection" back to the couch. No work until Friday. Bye.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 14th, 2009 10:36 AM   IP              Here we are, it's Wednesday morning...how time flies when your having fun...lol. Now "my" respiratory infection is now "my wife's" respiratory infection, so needless to say, this is not going to be a great day. I'm finally getting over this thing and she started getting hit with it last night. Ya know, I love this woman with my heart and soul. She is sooo stubborn at times. Just like now, I know it will be like pulling teeth to get her to go see the doctor. She says I "hover" too much...lol. Here is a poem I wrote about her a few years back. If I Have To Dream Sitting in the shadows, Trying to hide my tears... Walking the empty streets of life, Held prisoner by my fear. But when I close my eyes, This darkness seems to fade... Like a morning bathed in sunlight That was hidden in the shade. The fire from the passion, I see burning in your eyes... Is the only truth I know In this world full of lies. The softness of your touch... The fragrance of your hair... I can almost touch the dream Floating in the air. The magic of your smile... The warmth you hold inside... Has brought back to life, A passion that had died. If I could only cross the miles, That would bring me back to you, I would never have to cry again, Or feel the way I do. I can no longer live without you... And would not if I could. In a world full of sadness, You're everything that's good. So if I have to sleep to dream, To find this love so true... Let me close my eyes forever, And find my way to you. Mike9158 September 2004 To my Susan Marie...Geez, if you don't like mushy poetry, don't read that poem...lol. Now that I re-read this poem, I see just how bad I fell for this woman..lol. And I'm still in love with her stubborn ass...lol. Into the day I go.
sonico *MODERATOR* Posts: 2255 Registered: Aug 2007  Posted January 15th, 2009 12:16 AM   IP              Hi Mike, Well its about 5am and I just had a cheese sandwidge and got a cup of coffee, my sleeping needless to say is still totally shot from who knows what. Is it the methadone, was it the drugs I took, is it other medications I am on or is it something else?!?! To me its a real pain I the most sleep I can muster up at one time is a hour, been going on for months and have a appointment with a G.P. on Friday where I am going to ask or even plead to be referred to the sleep clinic. Only problem is they have a 2 year waiting list I was told though by another doctor who I had a real conflict with. I really have to admit i do not get on well with doctors as they can't handle my positivity in relation to my notes, if that makes sense. They expect some toothless, smelly drunk to turn up and here I am am in all my glory (and vanity of course lol) to prove them wrong, methadone can work as a treatment for opiate addiction is how it feels to me. Last time i talked to a doctor he asked if I was sober and when I told him I had not had a drink in a year he was miffed to say the least, got the impression than my previous G.P. who I changed thought I was drinking with methadone hence the insomnia, wrong again! So, as I mutter on I really hope I get somewhere positive and make some progress with the G.P. I am going to talk to, or its time to write letters of complaint I feel, not the start to the year I want but needs be, as I need to sleep! As for your poem it is a bit mushy but from the heart as well, to be in love is a beautiful thing, as they say better to of loved than to never of loved what so ever, thinking of my daughters mum there though we have long lost any romantic ties and just talk about our daughters best interests at heart now, but good poem all the same. Hope your wife gets better also. Sonico.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 15th, 2009 03:46 PM   IP              Hey Nico, I know that poem was mushy....lol. What can I say? The woman has turned me into a big puss...lol. I just love her. I guess a lot of it is about respect. I have always had respect issues with women...it goes way back...and I think she forced me to look at those issues and deal with them. I don't know what I'd do without her. I'm sorry you're not getting any sleep. I hope you and your doctors can come up with a solution to this problem. If you were to write letters of complaint, where would you send them to? Do you have a government agency to deal with things like that? I got some bad medical news today myself. I had some tests run and some bloodwork done Tuesday and was scheduled for a folllow up on January 27th. Then this morning, the doctor calls and says he has some concerns with my bloodwork and wants me to come in next Tuesday instead of waiting for my regular appointment. He wants me to "fast" for 24 hours before I come in...water only. He told me that my testosterone levels are at zero....nothing. And he says, that's not good. Oh well, I guess we'll see whats up next week. Listen buddy, thanks for stopping by. You know you're always welcome. Hey, by the way, any word from Allano? He seems to have dropped out of sight again. It's hard keeping up with everyone....lol. Talk to you later. Mike9158
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 15th, 2009 04:03 PM   IP              Well, tomorrow it's back to the work grind...back to back "12's". My buddy, Sonico dropped by earlier and told me my poem was "mushy"....lol...and he is right. Here is one that's not quite so mushy. I have some medical issues going on right now anyway so I'm not in a real mushy mood anyway. Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow There have been so many yesterdays in the pages of my life. Sometimes I wonder if today was ever really here. There were so many times that I almost was... I fear that I have lost what I could be. Surrounded by hauntings, I have these visions of the past. Was I ever what I thought I was? Was it me or just a dream? I cling to the memories of yesterday, and want so bad to know the truth. Was I a man of character, or a fool just chasing shadows? Today, in this world of soft confusion... I see small glimps of clarity... And I see what I am not. I am not a hero and have no answers... nor have I ever been. I only have myself... A man searching for tomorrows. Because tomorrow is all there is now. The yesterdays are burned behind me, and today is mediocrity at best. Perhaps tomorrow I will be the man I never was... The man I could have been. In the end, that is all I can hope for. Mike9158 January 2009 This doctor thing has really got me bugged. See you Sunday after my "12's". (Edited by mike9158)
sonico *MODERATOR* Posts: 2255 Registered: Aug 2007  Posted January 16th, 2009 07:08 AM   IP              Hi Mike, All ways good to drop by, like the photos I took a few days ago on my way to collect my methadone early in the morning, is bonnie? As for Allano I now he has been hard at his Art Work, he sent me a picture of his latest with his natural and distinctive style, maybe he will post it on here as well??? Went to the Doctors this morning about my insomnia and had a long and good chat about it though what to do is the question, we are both at a loose end though she is going to look into the chances of getting into a sleep clinic if there is one, seems that other Doctor I was talking to well was not the best of Doctors, happens I guess? But I felt good on leaving and hope we will make some sort of progress in the up and coming months. Sorry to hear also about your testosterone levels being so low, I do not know what that would mean for you but best get it looked into like your Doctor wants you too though I know you know you don't need me to tell you this. Best thing you can do is not to dwell too much on it and let the appointment come and go and see what they can do for you. Have a good weekend though, your friend, Sonico.
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 18th, 2009 01:18 PM   IP              Hi Nico, I only have a few minutes as I need to get ready for work. I absolutely love that picture. It goes nice with my poetry thread as it is something that I consider beautiful...it really is. I love the warmth and the color. As far as the medical thing goes, Susan and I will go see the doc Wednesday and go from there. Like you said...no point in dwelling on it. I am glad you are staying in touch with Allano. Encourage him to post his drawings. I think they are very therapuetic for him...just like writing is for me...(and apparently photography is for you...lol). I'll be back in my blog Tuesday on my days off, so drop by anytime my friend. Talk to you later. Mike9158
mike9158 *FORUM DIRECTOR* Posts: 2671 Registered: Jul 2007  Posted January 20th, 2009 07:05 PM   IP              It's been a frustrating day today here in paradise. My oldest son is out of work and I spent most of the morning and afternoon taking him around looking for jobs. I can't believe just how bleak it is right now in this economy. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that I'm sweating because I suspect my pituitary gland is acting up again. The icing on the cake was going to the forums today and finding a couple people there talking about how they use methadone to get their "high" legally. They talk about using methadone and not caring one way or the other about recovery. I can only imagine how the fanatics from HARMED would love to hear that. It took me back to a poem I started a year ago when I was in a darker place. I was dealing with some guilt issues from my days of abusing and I was so dark. I called the poem "Anguish" and decided to fnish it today. Anguish In this darkness I close my eyes... Trying hard to savor the last traces of this warmth; A warmth created by the poison I crave and lust for. In the cold morning, I will again be searching... Frantic for this poison I have come to love and need. My veins explode with burning fire When I am without my needed taste. My anger explodes around me And touches all that I love. It leaves them lost in anguish... Lost in a darkness they can't understand. They do not recognize this man Who stands before them... This man who makes them cower With his very words. They know no answers to this nightmare... To this blackness that never ends. They have only the desire to find the man They once called Husband and Father. For this was a man of kindness and strength... Of virtue and love... Of good moral character... A man of dignity and respect. This was the man who brought safety And security to those who loved him . But now there is only a shell Where this soul once was. A man who'se life is fragmented By the angry uncertainty of addiction. In this anguish, there is no life... There is no light... There is no logic.... There are only those moments Of anguish between the sweet tastes of poison. And this pathetic man; lost as he is... Blinded by his needs... Knows that this is no life at all. Indeed, death would be a welcome respite. There are no happy endings here. Even as the sweet nectar of his poison is found... And his world is bathed in an all too familiar warmth and glow... He knows that death is a certainty. For this warmth is only an illusion... This warmth is always fleeting... And the glow always fades. The reality is the darkness of a tomb. Like the eye of the storm, Where winds are soft and calm... The true storm and it's raging turmoil Lurk in the shadows... Waiting to devastate and destroy. So here I am once again... Eyes tightly closed... Praying that my warmth stays just a while longer. The beads of sweat and cold persperation give hint to the inevitable... The lies in my heart know the undeniable... So before I slip back into my dark abyss of anguish and withdrawal, I ask my God to save this man from himself. Save me or take me before the dawn breaks and I awaken in Hell. For in addiction, there is no other ending. Mike9158 January 2008 & January 2009 I guess this is why I advocate recovery. Because for me...and I speak only for me...life without recovery is not life. For me...life without recovery only leaves death. See you tomorrow. Respect to all.
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